Drying up, pumping on

It's been no secret that my breasfeeding journey has been a STRUGGLE. The best day of Bfing was probably the 1st day. Callum was a great latcher, no issues there. He knew what to do. He was a hungry dude from day 1 but that's normal, especially because your milk hasn't come in yet. So you're just making colostrum, which isn't much, so they want to eat eat eat often. But when it finally did come in... I never made much. I didn't even know if my milk had come in, because I didn't have many signs of it (no engorgement, never leaked, etc. On a side note, I have a giant box of breastpads I never had a need for in anyone wants them!) I've documented all this before. I will not repeat it all again. This is just a preface to that fact that Callum stopped nursing 3 weeks ago. I was only nursing for snacks and comfort anyway due to all our supply/demand issues, but it was literally overnight. One day he was nursing while we were cuddling.... and the next he refused. Would scream and wiggle if I tried to latch him on. I thought maybe it was just that day. But he was like that the next, and the next, and the next...

Despite all the troubles I am still really sad that he won't nurse. I wasn't ready to give it up. I got him to latch on yesterday for about 5-10 seconds. Not that it really mattered. I am continuing to pump but my supply has dipped even more without him nursing. When I was on maternity leave I would get about 2oz per pump. When I went back to work, it went down to 1 oz PP. Now... it's 1/2 oz PP. So about 2-2.5 oz a day. That is pathetic considering he eats at least 6 oz a feeding (30-36 oz a day).

And I have done everything the past 4.5 months to boobs boost my supply. Fenugreek (8847239 capsules a day), milk thistle, mothers milk tea, lactation cookies (multiple recipes. with no increase in supply, although a definite increase in bathroom visits), tried a couple different pumps, did power pumping, pumping and/or nursing every 1-2 hours FOR 1-2 hours, changed breast shield/flange sizes, lanolin on/lanolin off the pump, skin to skin with baby, basically spending hours in bed rubbing my boobs on my baby's face. NOTHING HAS WORKED.

And, I hate pumping now. I mean I really hate it. Wake up, have to pump around my frantic morning schedule, go to work and have to squeeze in time to pump there, get home and just want to chill out and play with the baby but oh wait! have to pump. Evening routine started, maybe running some errands.. have to pump! and the absolute WORST: late at night and I want to go to bed...and then I remember. NOPE - have to pump first! Part of it is the set up and take down since I'm transporting it back and forth to work that is just a pain. Having to wash all the pump parts, pack and unpack them, roll all the tubing and wires up... then sit there with my hands stuck on the bottles while the little bit of milk creeps out. UGH. SO.SICK.OF.IT.

Yet I really don't feel ready to stop yet. Maybe because I'm still holding onto THE DREAM. Ya know, the one you have while pregnant that you're just gonna breastfeed to a year and it'll be all hunky dory. If that works out, cool. And I am happy for women it works out great for. But let me tell ya, it doesn't always work. And it makes you feel like a big ol' failure since there is now a lot of breastfeeding shaming (much of it unintentional) going on in our culture. If you're not breastfeeding, you didn't try hard enough, hence you suck as a mother.

(I don't even believe in all the propaganda related to breastfeeding! So I don't know why it bothers me so much. Keep in mind this is all my opinion but, I do NOT believe it affects IQ at all. Correlation does NOT prove Causation. For example, "they" claim breastfed babies have higher IQs. That does not mean breastfeeding caused that. What it most likely is, is higher income households tend to BF vs lower income households which tend to formula feed. And income/social status/class/poverty level etc ALL make a different in education, education levels, and intelligence. An example of correlation/causation: Group A is a tribe in Africa who are all black, and they have a higher rate of a Disease X compared to Group B, a group of white people in North America. Does that mean that darker skin makes you more susceptible to Disease X?  No. Because when you look further, you see the North Americans are vaccinated against Disease X. You need to prove a CORRELATION. And not for nothing, anecdotally, an entire generation of Baby Boomers were predominately formula fed. They seem to be alright to me.

I also don't believe in the less ear infections argument. I was BF till 1 year old. My teeth are mottled due to all the antibiotics I was on for ear infections. The same causation/correlation argument applies.

I also do not believe in the whole "bonding" thing. To me that is so ruuuude. Granted, I think most BFing advocates mean it is a bonding experience, which it is and NOT that you need to BF in order TO bond (at least I hope so). But some breastfeeding "nazis" really do mean that, which is just plain ol' mean and wrong. Fathers don't breastfeed, are they not bonded to their children? My breastfeeding anxiety totally interfered with bonding in the way beginning. Giving him a bottle took so much pressure off, so I could relax, enjoy my baby, and start to bond. Now, yes, once breastfeeding was established (however crappy it was), it was a bonding experience, which is why I miss it. But it is totally used as propaganda in certain cases and I don't like that.

You cannot argue against the fact that breast milk contains antibodies and provide immunities though, which are beneficial to the baby. Also a transfer of certain vitamins, and DHA, and some other "good stuff." That was my main desire in wanting to breastfeed. Along with it being the most "natural" way to feed (we are mammals after-all, named for our mammary glands which produce milk to feed our young) and of course, it's free food.)

So. I will continue to pump for now. When will I quit? When it goes down to 1/4 oz a pump? When I hit 5 months or 6 months? (6 months was my modified goal after my 1 year goal was clearly ridiculous). I don't know. But I need to just let it go a little bit. Slowly and slowly till I'm totally over it. Callum was (almost) exclusively breastfed for 1 month. Then he got formula and breastmilk (nursing and pumped milk) until 4 months. Now he gets mostly formula and a tiny amt of pumped BM a day. At least I tried my best, and I can really say that.

After one of the last times he nursed