9 months pregnant

36.3 weeks. When did that happen?

Dr Appt:
I had a doctor appt today, which was kinda useless. Oh and remember that "5 pound weight gain in 2 weeks" from my appt last week? Well I LOST a pound this week. Whatevs. I'm actually online googling labors signs and losing 1-3 lbs is a sign of going itno labor soon, uh oh. I doubt it means anything though. They didn't do an internal today, I don't know why. I have another appt on Wednesday with my actual dr and I'm gonna make him do an internal then. HR was in the 130s with variability, which is good. my BP was 116/72. I found out I'm GBS + so that means I get penicillin now when I'm in labor (it's a bacteria in your gut that is normal, but if inhaled by the baby during birth can potentially cause respiratory problems). The NP was pretty nonchalant about it, and was like "eh 40-50% of our moms are carriers and if you don't make it to the hospital in time to get a dose then, eh we just keep an eye on baby." Ok then. but basically they try to give a dose of it every 6 hours while you're in labor, and it runs for 1/2 hour each time... not a huge deal

Symptoms:
I've been having what feels like period/poop cramps on and off which I think are actually false contractions. Also, while leaving the school today and while walking down the hall at my dr's, I got some really painful shooting pains, like they shot down from my lower uterus down thru my crotch. They were so bad I couldn't walk but had to stand there going "ahh owww" Whatever that is. I have never felt more unknown feelings in my life, with no way to describe them.
I'm having a shit ton of pelvic floor pressure, like he's knocking to come out. And also today I've started having a really back dull backache, just like when you get a period backache. But I'm not about to get my period lol.

My butt hurts. The "sit bone" to be more specific. Probably because a human head is in my pelvic outlet, pushing against it. But it still hurts. And sitting doesn't help....although neither does standing. Probably what would help would be getting a head out of my pelvis.

Also when I say I have to pee all the time, I would like to talk about how it feels different than when I had to pee pre-pregnancy, AND also earlier in pregnancy. It's like this painful, urgent feeling where I have to brace myself when I stand up because I get a shooting pain in my lower belly. It just doesn't feel like normal, and is yet another pregnancy symptom that I can't describe well.

We have a hospital tour scheduled for Dec 4th... hopefully I don't give birth by then. I thought we'd get a tour during our childbirth classes but no dice. If not, it's not a big deal, but I like all the insider info I can get.

PUMPS (and I'm not talking about shoes):
Called and spoke with a lady at a medical supply store. She told me what my insurance covers. What makes me laugh is how they cover a Medela single breast pump. Ain't nobody got time fo' that!! I have 2 boobs and a busy job, time is of the essence people. There is a Ameda double pump I can get for "free" too so I'll probably just get that one. Then of course 3 Medela double pumps you can pay money towards to get, no thanks. I'm also gonna find out Tuesday if/when I get a free rental of the super duper Medela pump, so if that's the case I'll be happy and just use that one (but still get the "free" one thru insurance too as a backup/why not?). And I'm also getting a Lansinoh manual pump for $20, because it actually has awesome reviews and I'd like to have an emergency pump if an electric one malfunctions or the power goes out.

Things that DON'T bother me:
1) when people touch my stomach. Idk why but doesn't really annoy me, even strangers. I am totally NOT touch-a-phobic though so maybe that's why. I like that people take interest and want to feel him, even tho he's so ornery he usually clams up.
2) stretch marks - I actually didn't really get much. I have some old ones that re-stretched but they're just the old white kind. I have a couple small red ones on my lower right side but that's it. But seriously, they're the least of my concerns. They're just cosmetic, and not like I had a super hot bod to begin with. They're not like all the other annoying symptoms that REALLY bother me!
3) any sort of breast issues. A lot of girls in my group complain about breast pain or weird leakage or whatever. my boobs have been pretty normal my whole pregnancy and haven't really even grown.

RAMBLES:
I feel like pregnancy kinda went fast but now it is DRAAAAGING. Please be December. Because I want him born but not in November, I want him to come in December lol. I have times where I have CRAZY anxiety though. First, work is stressing me out a bit - just a lot of crap going on this week and I'm SO forgetful and forgot to do something important and now it sucks. And of course I think about it when I go home so it invades my life. Then the normal about-to-give-birth anxiety and thinking of all the shit we still have to do and get. Last night I got like no sleep because I was up so late just feeling anxious. And then once I try to sleep it takes me forever to fall asleep. And then I wake up every hour or so to pee. Lol yesterday I had a student complain about being tired. Then he looked at me and goes "sorry, that's not the thing to say to you." haha insightful kid. But yea I am exhausted.

But anyway, all these annoying symptoms (besides being so tired/not sleeping - that is just terrible) don't bother me as much all of a sudden, because I suddenly feel like there is an end coming. That I won't feel like this forever. And that I just need to "enjoy" (HAHAHAHA) the end of my pregnancy with this kid, because this is it. Once he's born he's out in the world and I'll have to be away from him and I'll miss him because I'm used to him being with me 24/7, and then he'll grow into a kid and do weird kid things (why are kids so WEIRD?? lol thinking of Markie right now), and he'll grow and he'll turn into an awkward preteen (lol poor kid has no chance, judging on the awkward stages of both his parents) and then an annoying teenager, and then an adult who has their own life. Boo. So he only has a few more weeks left of fetal life. But seriously, knowing an end is coming just makes things slightly more bearable.
Also, I had something happen the other day that made me feel bad/guilty. Had a coworker come in with pad to use the bathroom and she goes "I wasn't supposed to get my period!" And here's me hugely pregnant, like "IN YOUR FACE!" So I felt bad that I was pregnant, and she was trying to be, but got bitch slapped by her menstrual cycle. Like how annoying to actively try to get pregnant, think you might be, and then get your period and you're all depressed... and then you have to go to the bathroom with a giant pregnant lady outside the door, reminding you of your unsuccessful month. Life is not fair and that made me just feel kinda guilty and sad.

Milano cookies are on sale at wegmans right now and I am chowing down!!

Things are moving along! And feeding fears

Doctors appt today (35 weeks 3 days):.

Baby is head down and head is ENGAGED. That means his head is already in my pelvis, and I think she said he's at + 3 station. Which is as far down as baby can get without actually starting to crown (she said it to the medical student not to me, so I'm like did she really say +3?? Cuz that means his head made it past the ischial spines already, which means he FITS through my pelvis. Every OBGYN ever has told me I have small pelvis and may need a Csection. So...IN YOUR FACE).

here's a baby at + 2 because I can't find a stock image showing the head at + 3. But yea, my baby's head is even lower than this ones. but you get the idea. Basically a fetal head is all up in my pelvis. No wonder my butt is aching right now.

Anyway, I'm so glad that he's not breech! That explains all my pelvic pressure. His back is along my right side. They swabbed me for GBS, I'll find out next week if it was positive or not. I let a medical student come in so I had everything done twice lol. I am dialated about 1 cm and my cervix is soft. She said it's 1 fingertip dilated which she knows is 1 cm. And a firm cervix feels like your nose, mine has softened to feeling like your lips. By the time of birth it's as thin as a piece of paper, so it's slowly effacing (i think she said something like 30% effaced to the med student). She said I will not make it to 40 weeks... that's okay by me! But I want to make it till December at least. The best part.... they could feel his head with their finger through my cervix!! (Gross i know) But that is so freaky!! My Bp was good, 116/72. She said my ankles and hands are a little swollen, although I don't see it.
 I apparently gained 5 lbs in 2 weeks but this is what I think happened. Last appt, I was stepping on the scale and grabbed onto the handicap bar next to the scale. The nurse took my weight while my hand was still on there, which I thought might have made me weigh less. So now that i'm 5lbs up this appt, I'm pretty sure that's what happened because there is no way I really gained that much weight!

BREASTFEEDING:
So I plan to breastfeed, like many women do. I was originally pretty confident about it (i don't mean the decision, I mean my ability) but now I am... panicking. It seems complicated. It seems weird. Yes, it does, sorry I just offended and pissed off like all kinds of breastfeeding Nazi's by saying that - but it does. I also have no clue how to coordinate it. I mean, fine, you have the time to spend a million hours a day dealing with it while on maternity leave. But I have a countdown clock, about 8 weeks, to figure it all out and have things run smoothly. Also, with my insurance, you can't even buy a pump till after the baby is born. Then you send in the receipt for reimbursement, up to $175. So I won't even have a pump right away... giving me even less time to figure it out and get myself ready to return to work.
What if things aren't running smoothly by then? Also not only do I have 8 weeks to get breastfeeding down, but I also have to get the baby to take a bottle, AND become efficient at pumping within that time. What if he hates a bottle? If I get no milk out while pumping or it takes for-ever to get any? I see why some mothers may give up - it can potentially be a nightmare. The flip side is formula which honestly, the biggest thing that keeps me away from that is the cost - I don't get how people can afford it. Unless you just don't eat yourself and put that money towards formula. I got some samples from Similac and Enfamil in the mail and I won't lie, I felt some relief that if need be, I have some subsistence in the house to feed this kid. But no way could we afford that stuff on the regular.

So basically I'm kinda freaking out and feel like a partial failure already because it just feels like too much to juggle it all. And even admitting that makes you sound like the poor, overwhelmed mother who just needs a good lactation consultant to hold your hand. I feel like many women's feelings over this are also not validated at all. Everything you read and the advice you get is kinda annoying. "Don't give up!" It takes times!" Basically the advice sounds so obnoxious - like the kind of advice doctors and nurses give that doesn't feel like it applies to the real world, and you just nod your head while thinking "suuuure." To sum up what I've read, the advice is to commit your whole life to breastfeeding. Maybe my surge of maternal hormones will make me feel cool with this commitment but right now all I feel is "ugh - I'm exhausted just thinking about dealing with it." And most of the advice is, I think, geared to mothers who have all day to sit at home and BF (who has time for this!?). Because that's kinda what they say - you have to spend all day trying and don't give up. Well what if you're not physically with your baby for 7.5 hours a day, then what? (and yes, I am lucky that my work day is shorter than average to begin with). And hi, I'm at work where I'm being paid to work. I don't have an hour to try and pump either. It needs to come the hell out within like 15 minutes or that's it.

Also I'm scared of BF Nazi's and don't want to be in their group.

So while I pray I'm one of those people who BF comes easily to them and their baby... I don't count on it. And I basically spend all day worrying about how I will take care of this kid, mainly involving how I will care for him in regards to feeding.

Playing Catch Up - 35 weeks

I haven't sat down to write in awhile, mainly because I didn't have much to say other than complaints, and partly because i've had no energy.

My baby shower was Saturday, 10/26, and it was awesome and we were so spoiled. Thank you to everyone who came and "showered" us. It was also just really nice to see people I haven't seen in awhile and I wish I could have sat and talked with everyone. I felt like a bride at her wedding - like I didn't have enough time to eat and talk and thank people. I posted some on facebook, but here are some photos. Thanks to your fabulous shower photographer, Liz Frediani!

My siblings

some food

a basket of advice :)

cookie my aunt gail made

diaper cake

opening gifts

my Grandma Marge (baby's great grandma!) and Aunt Barb

me and Eric's Grandma Phyllis (great grandma)

gift table

me and katie dinan!!

me and my mom

me and my parents

me and eric's mom

the napkins

overview

opening gifts

pregnancy train LOL. Me, Sophia, and Markie

cupcake table

me and grandma bea (the 3rd great-grandma there!)

Ok well now that I bored people with those...

Back pain:

The chiropractor has been amazing. I actually switched to a new one, she specializes in pregnancy and babies. What a difference!!! I went 2x a week a few times and it was awesome... but that gets expensive at $20 a visit. So I'm trying to just do once a week and it's not fun, my back is killing me again as I despretely wait for Tuesday to come again. I don't know what it is she does that works, but it does. I'm not totally pain free but I'm not in horrendous pain like I kind of feel now. Omg I would also love a real massage. I've never actually had one lol but I imagine it would be amaaaaazing right now. 

Doctor Appt/Symptoms:

I'm going to the doctor every 2 weeks now. At my last appt everything was fine, as usual. We asked about baby's position and he said it was kind of hard to tell still but that at my next appt (which is this coming thursday) they'd probably be able to tell. I just want to know if he's breech or not!!  Doctor said he's *probably* head down based on how I described his movements, but I'll believe it when I see it.He moves a lot up under my right ribs and also I feel him a little down by my left hip. He moves around all the time too, like just moving not kicks anymore. Makes my belly look like jelly and the other day I was bending over a little and he kicked my boobs! lol I wish someone had seen it. Also I get a LOT of pelvic pressure, at least I think that's what it is. I just feel weird pressures. Sometimes I get lots of pressure on my bladder and I know if it wasn't for my exceptional bladder control muscles (due to the fact that I have overactive bladder/bladder spasms in my non-pregnant life, causing me to develop very strong control) I would totally be peeing my pants. I get pressure in my butt too. Pressure everywhere. Oh and I think braxton hicks contractions but I still don't even understand what they're supposed to feel like - just a lot of hardness and pressure in my belly?

Another symptom I've been having is crazy fluid in my head. I had the NP at work look in my ears with an otoscope and she said yep - fluid behind the ear drum. Good ol' otis medis with effusion aka fluid in your middle ear aka there's nothing you can do till it goes away. I hear a hum in my ears all the time and my hearing is a little muffled. And I sneeze a lot. And I blow my nose a lot. And if I wasn't addicted to Afrin I know I would be crazy stuffy all the time too.

 My blood pressure has been even better while pregnant than normally. 108/62 at this appt. I've also had NO swelling of my hands or ankles. I feel pretty lucky about that, because I know many women who have all kinds of pre-eclampsia worries and I haven't at all. 

At my next appt I'll also get tested for Group B strep. For those that don't know - it's a normal bacteria in your digestive tract, up to 1/3 of pregnant women test positive for it. However, when baby comes out they can take that bacteria into their respiratory tract and can get a serious lung infection (1/200 chance). So that's the new thing they test for lol. If you're positive they make you take IV penicillin while in labor. Not a huge deal, but, if you're a believer like me that babies get all the "good" bacteria too when they come out - then they're not going to get any since obviously the penicillin will kill them too. Also it'd be annoying to be hooked up to a drip while in labor. Eric's mom has been feeding me fermented foods - organic european style yogurt, organic saurkraut, probiotic pills, kambucha, etc in order to pump me full of good bacteria for the baby. Of course, when I googled "how to test negative for group b strep" those are also the foods that just so happen to help you test negative. I suspect because they replace the group b strep in the gut. I've also been taking vitamin c and garlic and some other crap. I'll probably test positive anyway lol.

Baby Prep:
We went and toured the pediatricians and really liked it. I have to call and tell them that we're actually going to go with them and tell them which doctor we want. So... that'll be done.

Eric and his mom painted the nursery and are doing the 2nd coat tomorrow. Then sometime this week hopefully Eric and my mom will do the wallpaper border. My mom bought us the crib, should be here Wednesday. Got the crib mattress tonight - I spent 3 days researching for one because I don't want a gross toxic chemical one since there is some research that suggests SIDS can be contributed to off-gasing of some nasty chemical in many conventional mattresses (alimony, arsenic, vinyl, etc). I really think within the next 5-10 years there will be a big shift in how crib mattresses are manufactured as more research and attention is put on the issue (kinda like what happened with BPA in all the bottles).

 Anyway, I went with a Lullaby Earth one which got very good reviews and is Greenguard certified (ie no chemical emissions) and made by Naturepedic, which is the mattress I would have gotten if we were rich lol. Buy Buy Baby actually sells it in store so we were able to get 20% off the manufacturer set price (yay). This one is their "cheaper" line but still really good and still handmade by Amish people in Ohio lol. http://www.cleveland.com/business/index.ssf/2012/05/naturepedic_mattress_maker_dreams_up_new_lower-cost_line_called_lullaby_earth.html

Also got a bunch of other stuff tonight - a lamp that matches our bedding set. It was originally $60 (which is ridiculous for a stupid nursery lamp) and it was randomly 50% off at BBB today plus I was able to still use a 20% coupon so we paid $23! I still need a mobile, the one that matches our set is $60 too (and not in stock at the store, i think they're trying to phase out the bedding line we got) which again I think is insane so I need to find a cheaper one that matches at least a little bit. Anyway, I got some boring things like an (organic cotton, lol of course) mattress cover and some multiuse waterproof pads my mom said you put in the crib under the sheets, and some diaper genie bags. I also had a ton of drama at Target regarding returns but I will not pollute my blog with their drama right now.

So yes, lots of prep work for the baby is in motion and it's overwhelming and everything is still a mess. 5 weeks until my due date!!

Gah I just realized that my doctors appt on Thursday is the same day and time as a breastfeeding group class I've had scheduled for like, 2 months. So annoying. I have so many dang appts lately and I'm so forgetful, that I've been double booking all over the place. What are the odds that the doctors will be able to change my appt? blaaaaah

No work tomorrow - love working for a school and getting every little holiday off!!