Baby is head down and head is ENGAGED. That means his head is already in my pelvis, and I think she said he's at + 3 station. Which is as far down as baby can get without actually starting to crown (she said it to the medical student not to me, so I'm like did she really say +3?? Cuz that means his head made it past the ischial spines already, which means he FITS through my pelvis. Every OBGYN ever has told me I have small pelvis and may need a Csection. So...IN YOUR FACE).
Anyway, I'm so glad that he's not breech! That explains all my pelvic pressure. His back is along my right side. They swabbed me for GBS, I'll find out next week if it was positive or not. I let a medical student come in so I had everything done twice lol. I am dialated about 1 cm and my cervix is soft. She said it's 1 fingertip dilated which she knows is 1 cm. And a firm cervix feels like your nose, mine has softened to feeling like your lips. By the time of birth it's as thin as a piece of paper, so it's slowly effacing (i think she said something like 30% effaced to the med student). She said I will not make it to 40 weeks... that's okay by me! But I want to make it till December at least. The best part.... they could feel his head with their finger through my cervix!! (Gross i know) But that is so freaky!! My Bp was good, 116/72. She said my ankles and hands are a little swollen, although I don't see it.
I apparently gained 5 lbs in 2 weeks but this is what I think happened. Last appt, I was stepping on the scale and grabbed onto the handicap bar next to the scale. The nurse took my weight while my hand was still on there, which I thought might have made me weigh less. So now that i'm 5lbs up this appt, I'm pretty sure that's what happened because there is no way I really gained that much weight!
BREASTFEEDING:
So I plan to breastfeed, like many women do. I was originally pretty confident about it (i don't mean the decision, I mean my ability) but now I am... panicking. It seems complicated. It seems weird. Yes, it does, sorry I just offended and pissed off like all kinds of breastfeeding Nazi's by saying that - but it does. I also have no clue how to coordinate it. I mean, fine, you have the time to spend a million hours a day dealing with it while on maternity leave. But I have a countdown clock, about 8 weeks, to figure it all out and have things run smoothly. Also, with my insurance, you can't even buy a pump till after the baby is born. Then you send in the receipt for reimbursement, up to $175. So I won't even have a pump right away... giving me even less time to figure it out and get myself ready to return to work.
What if things aren't running smoothly by then? Also not only do I have 8 weeks to get breastfeeding down, but I also have to get the baby to take a bottle, AND become efficient at pumping within that time. What if he hates a bottle? If I get no milk out while pumping or it takes for-ever to get any? I see why some mothers may give up - it can potentially be a nightmare. The flip side is formula which honestly, the biggest thing that keeps me away from that is the cost - I don't get how people can afford it. Unless you just don't eat yourself and put that money towards formula. I got some samples from Similac and Enfamil in the mail and I won't lie, I felt some relief that if need be, I have some subsistence in the house to feed this kid. But no way could we afford that stuff on the regular.
So basically I'm kinda freaking out and feel like a partial failure already because it just feels like too much to juggle it all. And even admitting that makes you sound like the poor, overwhelmed mother who just needs a good lactation consultant to hold your hand. I feel like many women's feelings over this are also not validated at all. Everything you read and the advice you get is kinda annoying. "Don't give up!" It takes times!" Basically the advice sounds so obnoxious - like the kind of advice doctors and nurses give that doesn't feel like it applies to the real world, and you just nod your head while thinking "suuuure." To sum up what I've read, the advice is to commit your whole life to breastfeeding. Maybe my surge of maternal hormones will make me feel cool with this commitment but right now all I feel is "ugh - I'm exhausted just thinking about dealing with it." And most of the advice is, I think, geared to mothers who have all day to sit at home and BF (who has time for this!?). Because that's kinda what they say - you have to spend all day trying and don't give up. Well what if you're not physically with your baby for 7.5 hours a day, then what? (and yes, I am lucky that my work day is shorter than average to begin with). And hi, I'm at work where I'm being paid to work. I don't have an hour to try and pump either. It needs to come the hell out within like 15 minutes or that's it.
Also I'm scared of BF Nazi's and don't want to be in their group.
So while I pray I'm one of those people who BF comes easily to them and their baby... I don't count on it. And I basically spend all day worrying about how I will take care of this kid, mainly involving how I will care for him in regards to feeding.
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