18 days old

Time is flying already. Each day goes by so fast. Mainly because I am semi-nocturnal and don't get out of bed until at least noon o'clock. His face is changing already. It's definately chubbier and his cheeks have filled out.

We had our 2 week doctor appt with our actual pediatrictian this past week.  He weighed 7 lbs 14 oz. He gainned 14 oz in 10 days! He was 7lbs exactly at his appt 10 days before (he was 7lb 7 oz at birth). He was 21 inches long, up an inch. And his head was 14 inches, up 1/2 inch.

His eyes have been gooey and crusty. It's clogged tear ducts. The pedi said it's normal and goes away in a couple weeks... to a few months. It's actually looking a little better. We have to push on the corners of his eyes. And... I've been putting breastmilk on it. It helps it apparently.

His skin has also been peeling all off. Pedi said at 2 weeks old they lose their entire first layer of skin. he's like a little snake. It's getting a little better though.

I'm continuing to breastfeed, and supplement. I'm just not making that much milk. He is drinking 3 oz at this point, last night he took 4 oz. So I either a) nurse him for about 30 mins, then offer 1-2 oz of formula or 2) give him whatever amt of pumped breastmilk I have (usually 1-2 oz) and then fill the rest of the bottle up with formula to make it 3 oz. I got a Medela Pump In Style Advanced (the metro bag which was more money, of course) and I LOVE IT. I'm done pumping within 5-10 minutes. I get out 1-2 oz total, which really isn't that much. Sometimes only 1/2 ounce if I pump right after I nurse. But he was acting so unsatisfied and hungry all the time because he wasn't getting enough from me. Supplementing with formula has really helped him... and saved my sanity. This past week has been SO much better. He's going at least 3 hours now between feedings (unless he just nurses and falls asleep and won't wake up, then he's huungry again sooner since he didn't get enough). I've learned already that you have to do what works for you and your baby. Yea all the lactivists would tell me to just stick him on my boob all day long but that wouldn't work. I feel more in the groove now, still figuring some things out but like I said, feedings are way better. I seem to be the only one though that can figure out the math on giving him his mixed breastmilk/formula bottles. I'm talking to you, Eric. lol It is unnerving though to try and franktically make a bottle while he is screaming his baby head off. Callum is so impatient. Lol Eric's mom said he gets it from his dad hahaha.

There still aren't set times for his feedings but I can kind of anticipate when he will eat. KIND OF. Because without fail he'll mess it all up and either go for super long (usually during the day) and then other times wake up sooner (of course, usually during the night). He's really a pretty good baby though. He doesn't fuss much unless he's hungry, his pacifier falls out, or sometimes when we're changing him. He loves to suck so the pacifier works well for him. He really needs to learn how to keep it in his mouth though. He is the best burper. He burps so easily, sometimes before I can even get him up on my shoulder.

He pees so much. He pees all over everything. We go through like, 50 outfits a day. Also, everyone says "oh they're not in newborn clothes for long" but.... he's in them NOW. And I have a definate lack of newborn sizes. So sometimes we go through them all and I have to put him in the 0-3 or 3 month sizes and he swims in them. Sometimes they're so big I'm scared he'll sufficate lol. I just bought a newborn sized sleeper tonight because seriously, I get that they're not in them long, but I still need to dress him for the first month or so.

I return to work February 12th. It's a Wednesday. I work 3 days and then have February Recess for a week lol. I did that on purpose to ease myself back in. So he'll be 9 weeks old when I go back... but he'll be 11 weeks old time I go back after the break. I am taking a couple weeks of my maternity leave unpaid but it's worth it to me. I can't imagine going back after only 6 weeks!! I'm nervous to go back only because of my sleep scedule. I have to get up at 6am... there are nights i've only gotten like 2 hours of sleep by then... i get most of my sleep from like 8am-11am because Callum usually sleeps soundly then (altough today he was a mess during that time, so who knows).    No idea how to get a tiny baby on a scedule since he has no idea what time it is.

This was his first bath. His umbilical cord had fallen off but a little scab was still there and apparently it was okay to bathe him. The scab has since gone away, for anyone who wanted to know. I'm a bad mother but I can't even remember what day it fell off. It happened earlier than I thought it would though.

He's fussing to eat now, so I better go feed that hungry baby!!

The Birth Story

Callum John is here!! Callum is pronounced like Cal (as in california) and then Um. it's scottish and is a form of the latin word columbia which means peace. So now you know.

It's taken me over a week to make it to a computer. Who knows how long it'll take me to actually type this lol as he will want to be eating soon... and then I'm running to bed. Beware, I don't spare details and I get graphic.

So I last wrote Monday night... in which I believe I was already in early labor. I went to bed and told Eric it would be happening soon (altho I didn't think that night lol.) Went to bed at like 1:30 and a little after 3am I woke up with a start - I was in a lot of pain. But it felt like pressure-pain like I had been having. Peed and laid back down. A few minutes later I felt it again. At some point I thought maybe I should time these. I had a contraction timer app, so I was laying in bed, trying to hit when I felt the pain and when it stopped, and dozed in between. They were all over the place, sometimes up to 13 minutes apart so at this point I still didn't know/think that they were contractions. I thought I was just having pains as usual. Around 530 I thought they were going away. Around 6 or 630 they came back...stronger. At that point i KNEW. And I started to panic! I was texting my mom, and woke up Eric. He had been sleeping through a lot of the night. They started hurting BAD, where I was groaning in pain and hating life whenever I had one. They weren't like how childbirth class told me they'd be. They were LOW like in my pelvis and squeezed around to my back. There were none up high, like at my fundus or really any uterine involvement.

 I called the on-call dr and she was like oh you're still talking through the contractions (um NO I WASN"T) and it's your first baby so it'll take like 14 hours so take a shower and eat something and then go in. WORST ADVICE EVER. Never should have listened, should have went in then. Eric and I both showered, with me yelling in pain, having contractions. Eric tried to make me breakfast but by that point I had NO interest in food. I had originally told my mom we'd meet her at the hospital but I called her and said no come to the house. I was paniced because I had so much to do - had to dry my hair and straighten it (AGAIN - stupid ass doctor) and just get our bags and I couldn't think straight. Finally we were like ok we have to leave now! It was around 8:30 at that point. I kept telling Eric to hurry and cussing out all the slow drivers on the road.

Got to the hospital, had a contraction in the parking lot and some random man came up and helped carry in my bag. Had another contraction in the hospital hallway. Got buzzed into the birth center and went to the main desk. They're trying to talk to me all normal and i'm like omg shut uppp I can't listen to you right now! I had a contraction at the desk and was just moaning in pain. They got me into triage and had me go pee in a cup... again that was horrible trying to pee in a cup while having a contraction. They sent my mom out to the waiting room because only 1 support person is allowed in triage. Felt like it took FOREVER for a nurse to come into my triage room. I was having contractions and like yelling out/screaming and no position felt good. Eric went out I think at one point like how much longer??? A nurse finally came in and hooked me up to a monitor and started an IV on me. And then a PA FINALLY came in and checked me. 4-5 cm and told me I was being admitted. Took me to room #1 lol since it was the shortest walk. I went to pee and when I came back out my sisters and mom were in there.

 I wanted an epidural and the anesthesiologist was just about to do a C-Section, so she came in to do my epi quick. They sent everyone out of the room. Getting an epidural is not fun. You have to hold still, while having  horrifically painful contractions. And hunch your body. ANd they're poking needles and numbing stuff and test doses all into you and telling you not to move. Well my left leg started to feel numb. Had some more contractions that I felt - the doctor said I'd feel the next 3 contractions but then they should start to get better. They got better on my left side but not my right. So the doctor pulled back on the catheder a little bit to try and move it in my back to get to right side nerves. She said well the only other thing to do is start over. But she had to go do the C/S. Idk, but she left. My family came back in and I was still feeling contractions but was feeling a lot better. They had just settled me in bed and I had a contraction, when all of a sudden water was everywhere. My water had broke. I was just like "my water broke" all calm about it. It was everywhere though and 2 nurses had to change the bed and I had the dead left leg. It wasn't bad then though because the epidural was giving me some mild relief. That lasted for about 20 minutes?

Then all of a sudden I started feeling them again. But worse. At that point things are now fuzzy. Because basically the epidural stopped working. I cannot describe the extent of the pain. It was just tearing through me and nothing you can do. All I can say is worse pain you can ever ever imagine. They also put a foley catheder in me somewhere around then, and that hurt so freaken bad. They kept apologizing and I was like no no, I know you have to do it. I remember grabbing the siderails, grabbing onto eric's hoodie pocket, and yelling. My mom kept trying to get me to breathe but I couldn't. All I could do was yell through the pain. I repeatedly said "I can't do this," " I want to go home" and then "I want to die! Just let me die!"

At some point they were coming really close together, like I had no break. I cried "why are they so close together!!" Around that time my nurse was supposed to have her lunch break and her relief nurse was like are you gonna go and she didn't think she should but I wanted her to because I was thinking "i don't want to take away a nurse's lunch" I heard them say it was my first so i'd probably still be in labor till 5pm (it was like 1230 at that time). I was like fuck no I'm not.  Lol it's weird the thoughts I was having throughout labor. Like I also remember being jealous of everyone in the room that they got to be  observers and I had to be the one going through it. The relief nurse was really great too and I remember her talking to me to relax me - Eric says she helped me but I don't even remember.

Anyway, around then I started getting urges to push. Everyone was telling me not to, that if you push when you're not ready that you increase your risk for a C/S. I was trying not to push but at the end of a contraction my body just did it. I was getting SO frustrated with everyone saying that so I yelled "I cant fucking help it!! im trying not to but im just doing it!!" Things hurts SO SO SO bad. I had been feeling nauseous and Eric had a basin and then finally I puked. I was classically in transition and in the back of my head I knew it (contractions on top of each other, very long and painful, yelling that i can't do it, urge to push, throwing up, etc). The nurses were still talking about having the anesthesiologist come bac to redo my epidural at this point LOL yeah right! My mom apparently asked them when I'd be checked around this time though. Long story short, a PA came in and checked me and I was 10 cm. I had gotten there sooner than everyone thought - it was around 1pm at this time. So they got me in position and told me how to push. Honestly it was a *little* bit better when I could start pushing. It was like I was doing something instead of just writhing in pain. My sisters were lifting the back of my head up and 2 people had my legs - I think eric and my mom and Monica my nurse? lol I don't even know. The PA put her hand in my crotch to feel and was like "sorry!" and I remember it felt better - like relieved some pressure. And I asked her to leave her hand there LOL. The PA told me when I was pushing effectively and I felt the difference between a "good" push and a "not so good" push but... it was a lot harder to do a good push lol. So sometimes I would get lazy and do not-so-good ones. I would have a contraction, want to cry because I felt it coming on and didn't want the pain, then pushhhhhhh for like 30 seconds and then collaspse back. At one point they got a bar and put a sheet over it so I could pull on that when pushing, and put my feet up on it. Helped SO much. I remember my sisters talking over my head and I yelled at them " SHUT UP!" because I wanted to know what they were saying but couldn't hear and I was jealous lol. I couldn't get the sentance out to say "what are you saying" so just yelling shut up was easier.

At some point they could see his head. I never knew if they could see it high up or if he was crowning. They just kept saying it though. I remember the PA getting soap out when he was actually closer down and soaping his head up. Then all of a sudden the pressure was so painful and was burning. I didn't want to push because it hurt so much worse and I knew it was his head coming close. He really was crowning then. Maybe that's when she did the soap, lol I don't know. Everyone was going down to look - and it's true what they say. You really don't care. The room had a few more people coming in, i think the actual attending doctor came in around then. Can't remember her name - I have to ask my mom or Eric. My sister apparently took a video and Eric took pics of him coming out, lol I had no idea. At this point I was like in an alternate consciousness. In between contractions I was kinda almost sleeping but not really... it was weird. I would lean back, rest, then feeling another coming and tell everyone "i'm about to have one" and then get myself in the pushing position. It was burning and hurting so bad (so much pressure!!!) and I remember thinking "oh god, I am about to tear. This is it. This is the moment I've been dreading." I took a breathe and started pushing again, this time even when I wasn't having contractions. more people came in the room, felt like it was full of them. I knew it was gonna be any minute at that point. I just wanted it OVER. I was SO exhausted. Then idk, everyone was getting super excited. Eric told them we wanted to do delayed cord cutting if possible. They said thats fine as long as he's okay. More pushing... And his head popped out and then his body just slithered out - I honestly don't even remember this though. He was born at 2:16pm :)

He did a gurgely cry and they said they had to take him over to the warmer right away. Eric said what about the delayed cutting and they were like no we have to take him over, and I was like no take him. Eric cut the cord and they took him over and just had to suction him a bunch. He had a lot of mucous and was grunting. It wasn't serious but just had to get it all out. Everyone was over at the warmer and I couldn't even see him,  lol the first 5 minutes all I saw was his legs through the wall of people. The PA and doctor were busy stitching me up - tmi but I actually didnt even tear much/bad. I won't get into that but they kept saying sorry! (they try to give you numbing shots but eh, you still feel things) and I was like oh no it's fine! So, feeling your crotch be stitched feels like nothing compared to giving birth. All during labor the nurses and my mom told me I would forget this pain. So right then after he was born, i yelled out "I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!!!!" lol my sisters are still laughing about it.

Anyway, I was kinda dazed and exhausted and JUST SO HAPPY labor was over. I felt a contraction like 10 minutes later and had a PTSD moment but then realized it was the placenta. That was delivered with like 1 contraction and 1 push and then I felt GREAT. Pain gone. My mom and Eric kept walking back and forth between me and the baby. They finished stitching me and then I finally got to hold my baby after like 15 minutes.

So Callum was born Tuesday 12/10/13 at exactly 39 weeks gestation, he was 7 lbs 7oz, 20 inches long. No idea what his apgar scores were cuz I forgot to ask. Im sure they werent that good. At discharge his bilirubin level was 9.2.

An hour later the anesthesiologist came in, she had just gotten out of surgery. And apologized. LOL. Also my left thigh was numb for an entire day. Basically it all just went to my leg.

 Dr. Tripp came in the next day and was like "I have to take a state exam every 6 years and yesterday was THE DAY i had to go and do it! And that's the day you had the baby!" He also basically said the anesthegiologist sucked lol. It was fine though not having my actual doctor there... didn't even think about it in the moment because shit was so intense.

I could go on and on and talk about the hospital stay too but I'm getting sick of typing. So I'll leave it at that. But I know I'll be coming back to edit this entry as I think of additional details that I'm forgetting now.

Things ARE starting to get fuzzy compared to a week ago. I wish I had written this then. I haven't forgotten the pain though. I cannot believe I gave birth and felt it all. It was horrendous. But I'm so glad it's over and we have Callum here :) He is a lot of work. It's now joke. He really is good though. He usually only cries when he's hungry or when we're changing his diaper lol. He's eating every 2-3 hours when I breastfeed (more like every 2 hours ugh) and when we give formula it's 3-4. I've had BF issues... I just don't really like it but I'm continuing to do it. Took him to the pediatrictions on Monday and everything was good. He was 7lbs and they said 19.5 inches long and head was 13.5inches. I was a nervous wreck about his eating at the pedi's office, and the pediatriction calmed me down SO much and then we saw a lacation nurse and she helped too. Whenever he cries I think he's hungry. That's one of my anxieties that I need to get over lol. But sometimes he really IS hungry like when it's midnight and he's in the middle of a cluster feeding marathon. Ugh. Cluster feeding is THE WORST THING EVER. But other than that he's awesome lol

I've posted a ton of pictures of him on facebook, so look there for now.  I'm done with this entry.

39 weeks. About to pop!

Went to the doctor last Thursday, I was 38 weeks 2 days. Was 2 cm, 60% effaced. The nurse talked about "vaginal lightning" which I would like to touch on.... As no one ever told me about it before I was pregnant. I don't get why only contractions get all the credit for pain. Vaginal lightning feels like how it sounds; like bolts of 10 out of 10 pain starting in your low belly and out your crotch. Apparently it has something to do with cervical changes (in particular effacement). Soooo there is the warning for anyone who hasn't been pregnant/experienced it. It sucks and is real lol. Also, the doctor wrote me out of work starting Wednesday 12/11, per my request. He also said it would still be a little while before I had the baby, like it wasn't gonna happen within the next couple days but "soon."

Anyway over the weekend I started to feel "different." We did a lot of shopping, and I wasted more money buying Christmas decorations. Went to dinner with some family Saturday night. Then made Christmas cookies with family Sunday... by "made" I mean I showed up, ate food, then had to leave to take a nap, and come back to at some pizza lol. By last night I was kinda just achey in my lower belly/back/legs and knew shit was getting serious. Also was having a ton of braxton hicks contractions. Oh, last night I tried to roll over and got stuck on my back, like a turtle. Lol it was so damn funny. Eric and I were laughing so much and he had to get up and help me because I could not move (and really had to get up to pee!!)

Sidenote: Late pregnancy and childbirth is a gross process. I never know how detailed to get. I mean a baby comes out the "birth canal" aka vagina. Not exactly dinner party conversation. Also there's fluids and blood and all kinds of junk. but this blog is for me, and I have things I want to remember, so don't read it lol if it grosses you out. Also I'm a nurse... so of course I'm a little biased when it comes to gross things.

I woke up this morning and was nervous my water had broken. Also I thought I got my period. Stumbled into the bathroom at 6:30am and was like "oh I got my period" because I was also having menstrual-like cramps. Well, then I remembered no... I am pregnant lol. I woke Eric up and was like should I call the doctor?? I decided to get my butt to work and just call the doctor's when they opened at 9. When I got to work I gave them a heads up and the NP was like, I'm just gonna go ahead and get a sub set up for tomorrow. I couldn't concentrate on anything there either... I am just so focused on this impending birth thing.

Called the doctor and they wanted me to come in. Long story short - Dr. Tripp checked me and my water had NOT broken. Lol he made me cough hard and I wasn't coughing hard enough and I was like sorry I don't wanna cough and pee on you!! lol He said i was losing my mucous plug, aka "bloody show." He said I am now 3cm and 90% effaced and it's gonna happen soon. Woo I'm glad all that "lightning" in my crotch has been effective at least lol.

Here is a diagram of dilation and effacement. Since most people IRL have no idea what I'm talking about. My sister was saying I was 90% "in faced" LOL. Obviously, this drawing is not to scale. Also, apparently, all my Spanish readers can also understand it. 

Source: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/

 He moved my appt that was supposed to be Thursday to Monday 12/16 and said that he doesn't think I'll make it to then. My due date is Tuesday 12/17. He said he's usually not a fan of inductions, but if I do happen to go past my due date he would consider it with me, if I wanted, because of how much progression I already have. But that he really really doubts it'll come to that. He also took me out of work starting then... so I worked a half day today and then my maternity leave started lol. Oh he checked baby's heart beat and it was perfect :)

I have been having lots of pelvic pressure.. Sometimes it's really really painful, like I can't talk all I can do is moan through it. I make so many moans and groans. It's like if I make noise louder than the pain, it doesn't hurt so bad. Actually I just went to pee and as soon as I sat down I got all this pressure and then a HORRIBLE cramp that wrapped around my whole pelvis. Eric came running into the bathroom because I was was yelling so much and he was asking what was wrong, but I couldn't talk or explain until it passed. Now I'm having just random cramps and pains. I still don't even know what a contraction is "supposed" to feel like. And I have no idea how to time what I feel. It just hurts.
My lower back is super achey, and sometimes it feels like the baby is about to fall out.  I definitely just feel "different" and I'm starting to panic because I just KNOW this is going to happen soon. I'm scared to leave my house and have to b in the hospital, and to go through labor, and get IVs and all that crap, and give birth, and then have to take care of a baby and be someone's mom!

Also don't have a baby around Christmas, especially the first one in your first house. Trying to buy everything for baby, AND buy christmas decorations, AND buy christmas presents, AND go out on maternity leave (aka interruption in pay) is so stressful!!

38 weeks

Here we are. I feel like I will always be pregnant. I cannot imagine the rest of my life beyond this. At least it's DECEMBER now though. The birth month!!

Actually, I feel okay other than the lack of sleep. It's the sleep! I just cannot get comfortable, everything hurts  when I lay down (like my shoulders, arms, hip) and then I have to pee constantly. I mean like every 3-5 minutes I have to pee. It's so impossible to have time to fall asleep in between the peeing. When I actually DO sleep for an okay amt of time though, I don't feel that bad. I went to bed last night at 9:30pm, I think I finally fell asleep around midnight. Got up about 6 times to pee before finally waking up at 5:30am (an hour before my alarm). Then peed 8-9 times by 6:20 when I finally gave up trying to fall back asleep and got up. I actually don't feel terrible today because 5 hours is way more than I normally get lol.

I've decided to just devote my life to going to work and trying to sleep till the baby is born though. I'm done nesting, cleaning, organizing, etc. Whatever, my house can just be mess. I'm sure lots of visitors will judge the mess when coming to see the baby, (at which time I will also be exhausted) but if they don't like to see it then they can leave. People can clean it for me if it's that big of an issue.

I had my 37 week doctor appt on Wednesday, 11/27. I'm now at 2cm and 50% effaced (the week before I was 1cm and 30%). Baby is at +2 station. Apparently the med student told me wrong at my 35 week appt I was at +3, not -3. Whatever. So he moved down 1 station. I still have tons of pelvic (and BUTT) pressure so he's still hanging out in there. The doctor said he is "nicely engaged" lol. My BP, urine,  weight (weight was the exact same as the week before!), and baby's HR were all fine. Fundal height measures on target. I am very lucky. I know I really am to have such a healthy, low risk pregnancy. Doesn't make me feel less crappy though lol. My next appt isn't until this Friday, 12/5.

I feel him less and less during the day. He just does these movements like shifting his body a little. No kicks. Sometimes I get super nervous because I'll realize I haven't felt him all day, so I'll lay down (if I'm at home) and feel for his slight movement. It's seriously freaking me out! But of course as soon as I climb into bed at night,  he'll just be like, turning his head from side to side in my pelvis/on my bladder, fluttering his feet in my ribs, and in general having a techno dance party to the best of his ability in his cramped corners.

About 10000 women in my December pregnancy group had their babies over the thanksgiving break/weekend. Except me.

Nursery is mostly done. Eric went to hang the curtain rods yesterday and as usual had a hard time getting any screws into our walls. Then his electric drill died. We have the hardest time though, screws just won't go in - and yes he uses all those funky anchor things and whatever to help. #oldhouseproblems

My mom is bringing over the finished bassinet today. He is just gonna sleep in that, in our room, for awhile anyway so who really cares about the nursery lol. The dresser and closet have clothes and the changing table is set up, that's about all we really need need in that room for now anyway.

I won a Snuza monitor in an ebay auction. It's a movement/apnea monitor; you clip it onto the baby's diaper and if they stop breathing for 20 seconds it vibrates them. If they still don't breath then it sends out an alarm. Yes, it's to try and prevent SIDS. I can close my eyes without as much fear that I will wake to find a cold, dead baby. To me it's better than an audio or video baby monitor, since you can be unconscious and it'll still notice things.

source http://gizmochunk.com/1327/2012/08/06/life-saving-gadgets-to-help-you-survive-disasters/

I wish I didn't have to work anymore. I am jealous of all the women who get to take off work a little bit before the birth. I love my job - but stuff is annoying me and I'm forgetful and I'm just a little checked out because I'm so preoccupied with myself (yup, I'm self-centered right now!) It's just hard for me to focus on anything other than my pregnancy and upcoming birth. I figure that's normal though. Oh, plus ya know, having to get up early and having less time to prepare things around the house is annoying. But at the same time at least it distracts me, and at least I get paid lol.

No, I have not done any Christmas shopping. When am I supposed to?  (and with what "extra" money?) So stop asking. I did go to Michael's the other night and get some Christmas decorations. but of course I bought too much (spent too much) so now I have a mini Christmas tree in my backseat waiting for me to drive back out and return it... yea.

Also, I love these pictures where they label things. Like oh really, I had no idea that was his eye.

Source: http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-38-weeks