Half way to 1 year!

What what? Callum was 6 months old on Tuesday, the 10th. I should become one of those crazy moms that celebrates 1/2 birthdays and how advanced he is. But then I'd also have to become the mom that tries all the Pinterest projects, and thinks her kid is the best on the soccer team, and brags about all his straight A's, and talks about the piano recital he's playing at Carnegie Hall. It's a slippery slope that I don't have the energy to go down.

6 months old, with Uncle Markie

I noticed last Monday, the 9th, that his 1st tooth has broken through! I am so used to feeling those little gums and feeling nothing. I stuck my finger in his mouth and there was the hard top edge of a tooth. I felt my heart swell with a mother's pride. Then on Father's day I suddenly noticed he had a 2nd tooth right next to it. My mom said I never got just 1 tooth, so apparently, Callum is going to follow suit. I get a little sad though thinking that he'll never had a toothless smile again. Well, maybe he will again when he's like 90 lol, but not while I'm alive!
He hasn't taken a pacifer in months but we discovered yesterday that it works great for his teething pain. It was way easier for him to keep in his mouth than trying to hold a teething ring.

3 things he's doing - pursing his lips, sucking on his toes, and sticking his tongue out. I think that's to feel the new teeth in his mouth. I think one of his biggest changes is just the way he interacts with the world around him. He's constantly reaching for objects. And Sophie; he's suddenly interested in the dog. And trying to stick everything in his mouth. I mean everything. He smiles at you and tries to "talk" (if he's in the mood.) He's just taking it all in at all times.

He will never learn to crawl because he hates, I mean hates, lying on his belly. He's like a horizontal weeble wobble. If you put him on his belly, he automatically rolls back over to his back. It's actually pretty funny. Sometimes we'll prevent him from rolling and he still tries and then gets mad... But anyway, I can see him being one those kids that just goes straight to walking. He already "stands" all the time now. Obviously he cannot stand, but we are always holding him up so that he can bear the weight to stand. It's that darn balance problem. I posted that video of him "walking" on facebook too. He's not sitting on his own yet, he's still a "supported sitter." He mostly has the muscle strength, but just not the balance to do it. The past couple days he has been tolerating his belly a little bit more if we place something interesting in front of him but he still get annoyed and will flip back over.

The rash is still there, and actually was looking pretty terrible for a week because we had to stop giving him allergy medicine in preparation for the allergy testing he had done on Friday. My poor baby. I feel so bad for him. He's so itchy and uncomfortable. His allergy test was negative for milk, soy and egg but they're going to send us for a blood test now too. The hypoallergenic formula (Neocate) did not help, so I figured he didn't have a milk protein allergy. I picked up a can of regular formula a few days ago and have started mixing the 2 formulas, to transition him back to the regular kind. The Neocate is awful because he has been wanting to eat every 2 hours again, like when he was a newborn and he wakes 48942 times a night. I can't wait to just go back to regular formula and have him going longer between feedings and not waking so much.

The Rash lookg *ok*

Next stop is to see a dermatologist. That's who we were referred to now. Because no one can figure this out. I do not know how people with a lot of kids do it. Either you are rich or mom doesn't work outside the home. Because I don't understand how you can afford all these copays and also the time off work. I'm spending $100/month in copays and then all these random useless prescriptions. And all the times I've had to skip out on work here and there for appts. Which makes me feel bad because I want to be a good employee. And of course dr offices never seem to have appts at convenient times for working parents. Heck, I'm out of work at 3 and it's still hard to get appt times right after that. And all that money and schedule finagling is just for ONE kid.

We also have him taking some homeopathic medicine and talked with the homeopathic dr yesterday. He gave us a new routine to try. Today he looks better. It might be from starting the new pills. Or the new cream (CereVe AND Eucerin) or giving him some steroid ointment yesterdat for the first time in like 2 weeks because of how atorocious his skin looked. Maybe it was a combo of all 3. Who knows, but I just really wish this would go away. His 6 month dr appt is next week and once again we're going to have vaccine drama because he's supposed to get shots and the homeopath suggested we wait 2-3 months and then continue because he believes this is a hyper immune system reaction. I tend to agree and want to wait. I mean it's only a few months to wait! But you know how most drs insist that vaccines wouldn't hurt anything. Well even if they were not the cause (i'm just saying, this started a few days after he got all his 4 month shots), this rash is clearly some immune system freakout, so adding he vaccines to the mix at this moment in time won't help matters. We are totally going to get kicked out of the practice ya'll.

We also got the green light to give him real food again. So I reintroduced sweet potatoes, and now bananas, "sweet potato & chicken dinner," and regular mashed potatoes which he LOVES.

On to sleep: he was a mess last week. Waking 2-3 times a night to eat, and when he does wake, he does not settle back down easily. He used to wake, eat, then pass back out. Now when you put him back in the crib after eating, he starts screaming and crying again. I have tried standing next to the crib and rubbing his back but it usually doesn't work. I was getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. So I usually just ended up picking him up and bringing him into bed with me, where he would promptly pass out. So... he's learning how to manipulate a situation because he's clearly fine. He just wants to cuddle up with mama. I don't want to get him in this bed-sharing habit, but I need to sleep too, I'm beyond exhausted from severe sleep deprivation, and I get up ass crack early for work. So I cave in. I have 2 more weeks of work then I'm off for the summer so I plan to just deal with it all then. I do think a large part of this week's sleep mess though is a combo of the no allergy meds or steroid cream, so he's extra uncomfortable and unsettled, the stupid amino acid formula, and I think he's going through a developmental change - he just seems "different" lately, both mentally and physically. And... now that I think of it, it was also because of the teething. Because last night he slept from 10-6:45am. If only he would do that every day!

This child also doesn't nap. He has supersonic senses pertaining to being placed in his crib. As soon as he's laid down he wakes up. Sometimes he'll start crying but sometimes he'll just start babbling and playing. But the one thing he isn't doing is sleeping. If he takes a 15 minute nap, we consider it a success.

His baptism is booked. July 5th at the 4pm mass. I'm busy planning for that now, I am really not a party planner. I'm trying to decide where to have a little party afterwards. Did I mention that I really do not like party planning? But I am excited for him to be baptized!

We inherited a swingset last Thursday. It had originally been my brother's, then my dad gave it to my cousin, and now my cousin gave it to us. We set it up but aren't sure where to put it in the yard. I feel like it looks awkward everywhere. Good thing we have some time before Callum is going to actually use it.

Father's day was nice. Didn't do much but we went to the canal in Greece and walked around.

It's getting harder and harder to leave him for work. I thought it was supposed to get easier. I miss him so much!! Last night he was passed out and I actually wanted to grab him and bring him into bed with me but I refrained. All I do is think about him at work (when I'm not super busy) and wish I was with him! Least I get to come home to this face though:

Good thing I get much of the summer off!! Looking forward to it although not looking forward to the loss of income. I want to start running again to work of my baby gut. (Seriously, I have gained weight instead of lost. I was my lowest weight about 1 week post partum when I was 3 lbs away from pre-baby weight. That's when I was breastfeeding constantly though. I've gained sooo much back now, it's depressing!!) I kinda want a jogging stroller but they're expensive (even used ones... cuz i mean, it's a stroller. Strollers are never cheap cheap). But I don't want to waste the money if I don't go running enough. Maybe daddy will just have to watch him instead lol.

In preparation for less money, I've also been trying to cut down on our grocery bill/eat healthier. Which is extremely hard. Also, I've found all those "budget grocery" sites list meals that just won't cut it. They
really skimpy menus that seem okay for children, or skinny women who don't eat much. If I gave Eric some cucumbers with melted cheese and pepperoni on top he'd be like "oh appetizers tonight, huh? What's for dinner?" Lol there is no way some of these "meals" would cut it as real meals in our house. Maybe that's our part of our weight problem LOL. Also the people tend to have their own extensive gardens (which is a financial and time investment all of it's own) and also their own chickens to have eggs. But I a) have no desire to take care of an animal, let alone a chicken, which I have a slight (ok, very real) phobia of, and b) live in a town which does not allow farm animals. Which I fully support because you know what's annoying? Your next door neighbor who keeps chickens on the other side of the fence. So really, you can't spend $50/week or less on groceries unless you eat snack-type meals, and are a semi self-sustainable farmer.

Randoms:

THE RASH SAGA

I don't know how parents of truly ill children do it. It's been so tough the past 3.5 weeks, dealing with this unknown rash. Maybe part of it is the unknown. It drives me crazy not knowing what is making my baby so uncomfortable and itchy, and diseased looking. Also the logistics and "secretarial" work behind all this is an additional job, in addition to my actual full time job (AND my per diem job. AND my job as a mom lol. And getting our house reassessed - drama all on it's own. And trying to get things set up for his baptism. And doing a million other things). We've had 2 pediatrician appts (previously documented on here), an appt at an allergist, and last weekend we even took him to a homeopathic doctor in Buffalo. Also an unknown amt of phones calls and conversations with the nurses at the pedi office. Tomorrow we take him to the pediatricians office for a 3rd time because he has never seen his actual pediatrician yet, and I want him too.

He has had eczema since 2 months. That was confined to the usual spots - at his elbows and all the "creases;" wrist, knee, ankle. On monday May 5th is when it all went to pot. It was literally overnight he broke out in his crazy welt looking rash all on his trunk. His face is also rashy on and off, and it's also spread down to his thighs a bit. He also gets itchy eyes at certain times. We are doing everything we've been told to - and it's getting worse. And he's getting itchier. My child is now living with socks on his hands to keep himself from gouging his baby skin. Which doesn't even always work. 

Here's the summary of what has been happening:

We have been told to do, and not do, so many things. Contradictions by different doctors.

 Originally we were told to use dolsomide (steroid ointment) and moisturize with Cetaphil. Did/do it and it doesn't help. And give him Zyrtec at night. 2nd doctor appt - continue with those, and also try Claritin instead of Zyrtec (didn't work - went back to Zyrtec). We also smother him in Calendula ointment (homeopathic, petroleum jelly base) and Aquafour (also petroleum jelly based). Saw the allergist who said only put the steroid ointment on the actual eczema spots now and not all over his trunk. Also she wanted to try him on an elemental formula (broken down to amino acids, so there is no casein or whey aka no milk protein). This was to see if he had a milk protein allergy causing all this. If it worked, it would be covered by insurance, at least in part.

That began the sub-saga: THE FORMULA SAGA

So this formula is expensive. Like $50/can. A can lasts 2-3 days. The allergist had no samples. So I got right on the phone and called the pedi office, drove there, and picked up 2 cans of Neocate. One had a code to receive a free sample of the formula, so I ordered that as well and that arrived Tuesday. So we gave that to him starting Wednesday 5/21...the next day he looked SO much better. I was optimistic and called the allergist to tell them it worked and to write a prescription for it. It would require prior-authorization, which we knew since insurance companies are the worst companies on the planet and don't want to actually pay anything. So they make you jump through hoops.

 Anyway, got that ball rolling, called the pediatrician to inform them, and also called WIC. With WIC, in NY, they will also provide 9 cans of this special formula a month. They told me the doctor did NOT need to fill out any special forms (contrary to the form i was looking at online...) and they just needed the rx from the doctor. Made me an appt for Tuesday the 27th. I didn't have the rx at this point, since I had just gotten off the phone from telling the doctor to write one. And it was Friday afternoon and Monday was a holiday. Ok, well, why I don't I pick up the rx from the allergist Tuesday morning? (Um, because I work. And I'm already leaving work to drive across the city to your appt. That's why). After 1000 more phone calls, the allergist faxed the rx to WIC. Called Tuesday to confirm WIC got it. They did but they need another form (Yes, that same form they said they didn't need lol) but will still give me 1 month of checks and just come back next month with that form filled out by the doctor. Got those checks, brought to the pharmacy. They were confused about what to do. Said there was already a prior auth on the formula. Right... that's for the insurance. This is WIC. 2 separate things. They figure it out and do a special order.

They call me the next day (Weds) that it's ready. I go to pick it up... and the kid at the counter is SO confused. It took 3 people to figure it out. This is after I had had a phone call from them saying my order was there and come get it! They kept saying they were waiting on the prior auth. Again, that is for the imsurance. This is for WIC. 2 separate things. Of course it was there, and I got it. $400 for this formula, ya'll.  Also on Weds the allergist is calling me all confused about Wegmans faxing them a prior auth and THEY were totally confused about WIC vs. insurance as well. I wanted to jump off a bridge basically.

Good thing for WIC though because we would not be able to have any formula right now without it. Since the insurance it taking their sweet ass time and hello, this baby still needs to eat in the meantime.

And for all that... he looks no better. He looks worse. I really don't think it's a milk protein allergy. But we have to keep using it for a few weeks because that's how long it can take for your skin to clear up from one, apparently.

Also, since it's already at the amino acid level, he digests it so much quicker, which means he wants to eat more frequently. He was up 2x last night. We're so exhausted. He eats less per feeding though. Before,  he was eating 6 oz, now it's down to 4-5oz. Kind of strange.

******************

We took him to see a homeopathic doctor this weekend in Buffalo. I really hope he can help him, he helped 1 10 y/o girl who had had eczema her whole life, he totally cured her of it. He said to give him 3 months and he can clear it up. He recommended we not get him his 6 month vaccines because his immune system is hyperactive right now (which is causing this rash) but to hold off on any vaccinations for 2-3 months, and then pick it back up again. Honestly...this rash started about 2 weeks after his 4 month vaccinations, so maybe there is a link. I don't know. He gave us 2 homeopathic pills to use. We did the first set and now started the 2nd set. He also gave me pills to try to boost my breastmilk supply. Probably won't help since nothing helps with that lol, but can't hurt. Anyway, I really liked him and feel comfortable with him.

Callum goes back to the pedi tomorrow see his actual pediatrician. Just yet another appt that won't help. Just another $20 to hand over...

And allergy testing on June 13th, not sure what kind they're going to do. We have to stop his Zyrtec for a week beforehand. I'm scared for that.

Talked to the pedi office yesterday and they said to give him Benadryl at night now. I got some but I'm not giving it a) because I hate to give him benadryl so young and 2) it has red dye #40 in it which is horrible and banned in the food and medical supplies in every other country but the US, and no way am I giving my infant that shit. I got some to have on hand in case of a real allergic emergency but I'm going to look for a dye free version.

It's really taking its toll on me. I am just so tired of this unknown. I'm tired of my baby itching. His little baby hand, with poor fine motor skills, reaching up to his head to awkwardly scratch... it's so so heartbreaking! And he scratches his head all up. Sometimes I'll look and blood will just be dripping down his face. You know... he had been rubbing and scratching himself for weeks Plus he looks diseased. And everyone is always giving me advice or asking questions about it that I've tried or answered a bunch of times before. It's just this big weight of worry I feel on my shoulders all the time. I cannot wait till this stupid rash is figured out and it goes away and the weight is lifted!! It's also tricky because 1 day it looks awful, and the next it looks better. False hope!

5/5 - Original rash

5/8 - After starting steroids

5/18 - puffy face

5/18 - rashy back

5/27 - woke up at 3:30 am looking like this

5/27 - 4am



5/27 - 4am



5/27 - 4am itching

 

 5/26 - before the crazy rash above

5/27 - 9pm, looking better

Sweet boy on Mother's Day

5 months old

I am way way way behind on documenting Callum's life. I started this entry while he was still 4 months old. Lately it's like every hour of every day is just jammed packed. I cannot wait for this summer when I get to stay home (well i'm still working a bit for the hospital, because I cannot not ever work lol). I even had Spring Break a few weeks ago, and didn't even manage to write then.

He had his 4 month appt on 4/18. He was 15 lb 11 oz and 25.5 inches long. His head was 17 inches. Everything was normal. The doctor said he does not have a flat head, well, not flat enough to be of concern. Developmentally he is on target. She said we can start introducing solids. We had actually started giving him rice cereal on 4/15. We gave him it on a spoon and he didn't know what to think. We then started adding it to him bedtime bottle but have stopped now that he is having some sort of allergy to something unknown. We've also tried oatmeal cereal, sweet potatoes (HIS FAV), apples (didn't like too much, but they were bitter), and sweet peas (ew, peas). I can't remember all the dates we tried them. He hasn't gotten any solids now though other than avocados once in the past 2 weeks or so because of his hives!

He also had his first library trip on 4/16, and I wore him out in the Moby wrap. We then went to Wegmans and I got so many looks from people like they'd never seen such a thing before. I want to get a woven wrap to start doing back carries. I actually think I'm going to attempt to make one because a) it's cheaper b) it's cheaper and c) might be a fun project. Like I have time for projects lol.

Well I originally thought we had avoided 4 month sleep regression. He had randomly started sleeping like 8-9 hours and I was in heaven. I even started using Huggies Overnight diapers because he was peeing through regular ones sleeping that long. Wrong. After 1 week he started sleeping like a mess again. Ok, not really  mess but back to anywhere from 3-5 hours before waking up to eat. On the weekends I get up with him in the middle of the night, then in the morning when most people would just get up, but I make us go back to sleep for a couple more hours lol. He really is NOT that bad it's just hard to coordinate your sleep schedule with a baby's. We stay up too late and Callum gets up too early.

He "found" his ear on Saturday 5/3, and it was so funny to watch him manhandle it.

On 5/7 I took him to the pediatrician. On Monday he had a terrible looking red, raised rash all on his trunk. Of course, he has some red eczema around his elbows, wrists, knees and sometimes on his trunk but nothing like this. He was also itchy his little eyes like crazy. So finagled some things around and met my mom at the pediatricians. It took forever at the appt. Anyway, we really liked her (and she called me pretty, how can you not like someone that calls you pretty?)

Comparison:

Monday - pre-treatment

Tuesday - treatment started

 She said it IS eczema and he is having a flareup either d/t something environmental or something he ate. She said hold off on oatmeal or apples for awhile since he at that Saturday. He had had both of those earlier in the week tho and was fine. She also explained how allergies/eczema/asthma are all on the same gene and often if you get 1 you have the others. Great. Eric was an allergy asthma kid, so I was kind of expecting my kid would be too. Anyway, she gave us an rx for a steroid cream only to be used until this flare up goes away. After 1 use he already looks better. Also said he must be moisturized 2x a day with Cetaphil, and also said to give him Zyrtec.

We gave the steroid cream right away, but held off a day before giving him the Zyrtec. Yes, I was scared he'd have an allergic reaction to the Zyrtec and die in his sleep and also didn't want to overload his system with all these drugs at once. Well he slept 8 hours straight. If it's gonna have a side effect, I guess making him sleep is a good one. I wonder though if part of it is he's just not so damn itchy anymore so he wasn't as disturbed in his sleep. Last night at bedtime the side of his face was randomly SO red and irritated, and he scratched it so much he gouged the side of his forehead and had blood just dripping down. It was awful! AND my mom had just filed his nails a couple hours before. Poor kid.

Back to the doctor appt - She confirmed that his cradle cap is bad and said to use Selsom Blue. If that doesn't work we get referred to a dermatologist. Because we have tried everything and Selsom Blue is the end of the line for the regular pediatricians office. I've been putting aquaphor and now cetaphil on it the past couple days and it looks a TON better (I've been to Wegmans and Target like 3 times since Monday and have forgotten the Selsom Blue each time - oops).

He's still a pretty happy guy despite the rashiness. The PNP said "don't think for a second that he's not itchy. it is itchy." Which made me feel so bad for him! He still scratches his face up SO SO bad, like a newborn. We were like what the heck, why is he still scratching himself!? Well, the PNP said it's probably because he's trying to itch :( And him finding his ear... well probably itchy too. He had dried blood all around it at the dr appt Poor kid!!

(UPDATE - follow appt was 5/12. he looks better altho still little patches here and there. She wants us to try Clariton too and to give the meds 2x a day instead of once. THIS BOY.)

(UPDATE #3 - Taking him to an allergist today, 5/21. He looks bad again, despite treatment. Poor kid, 5 months old and already seeing an allergist.)

$20 a visit adds up (love those well baby check ups which are free lol). Funny how I NEVER go to the doctor for myself, but for your kid you don't even hesitate.

He was 16 lb 9.5 oz on 5/7, and 16 lb 12 oz on 5/12. And the nurse said several times that he was "long" for his age.  Fat boy.  He has refused to nurse for about a month now. Twice I got him to latch on and suck for like 10 seconds but that was it. I still pump but only get like 2 oz a day, so mostly formula at this point. Over it. Completely over it. I won't even entertain guilt anymore because I just don't care. I was told that by 4-5 months ANY breastmilk is just as good as exclusively getting breastmilk. So whatever, there's your 2 oz, Callum.

Speaking of Callum. This poor kid. His parents gave him such a difficult name for American speakers. His last name is tough enough (except it really is so easy, people just always say it wrong.  At the pharmacy they were calling him Caleb Doggin. Poor baby. We say he's going to be so annoyed as he gets older, he'll just tell people to call him John, his middle name lol.

He is so rolly now. He does NOT roll totally over much at all, but he teeters side to side. I think some of that is from all his kicking. I'll put him on the floor and he's lying in one direction, say North-South and I come back and he's gotten himself in an East-West direction. It's so funny. I THINK he is slowly starting to learn his name. He'll kind of look now when you say it, but I think part of it is tone of voice.

(UPDATE: on 5/13 it was like a huge change came over him. Now he's moving even more, and just seems way more developed literally overnight. He's also doing this thing where he puts his legs straight up in the air and then slams them down. He's also finally grabbing onto his feet with his legs up in the air. it's so stinkin' cute.)

I love when I get home from work and he give me this open mouth smile when I talk to him. We are just so in love with this baby. He is so dang cute. Even when he makes his grinch baby face, he's still so cute. He does this thing with his mouth where he opens it up like an "O" and I just love it. I always kiss him then.

Tuesday 5/6 he drooled/spit up right in my mouth. Eric wrote that on the calendar.

He was evicted from his bassinet on Monday 5/12. Poor guy was totally scrunched up and had to bend his legs out to the side. I came home from work and it had been done for me. He's now sleeping in the pack n play in our room because god forbid we move this child to his actual crib. honestly though we don't have a baby monitor and that is the main reason he's not just in his crib. I am still doing tons of research on one, and looking for deals... so since I have no time... all this research will take awhile.

Sunday 5/4 was my 1st Mother's day! It was so sweet. Eric got me a card, and so did Callum. HE also gave me a hydrangea (I want to plant them in our sad yard), and my favorite chocolate. We went to the park and then family dinner at my cousin's. I love being Callum's mom!!

Drying up, pumping on

It's been no secret that my breasfeeding journey has been a STRUGGLE. The best day of Bfing was probably the 1st day. Callum was a great latcher, no issues there. He knew what to do. He was a hungry dude from day 1 but that's normal, especially because your milk hasn't come in yet. So you're just making colostrum, which isn't much, so they want to eat eat eat often. But when it finally did come in... I never made much. I didn't even know if my milk had come in, because I didn't have many signs of it (no engorgement, never leaked, etc. On a side note, I have a giant box of breastpads I never had a need for in anyone wants them!) I've documented all this before. I will not repeat it all again. This is just a preface to that fact that Callum stopped nursing 3 weeks ago. I was only nursing for snacks and comfort anyway due to all our supply/demand issues, but it was literally overnight. One day he was nursing while we were cuddling.... and the next he refused. Would scream and wiggle if I tried to latch him on. I thought maybe it was just that day. But he was like that the next, and the next, and the next...

Despite all the troubles I am still really sad that he won't nurse. I wasn't ready to give it up. I got him to latch on yesterday for about 5-10 seconds. Not that it really mattered. I am continuing to pump but my supply has dipped even more without him nursing. When I was on maternity leave I would get about 2oz per pump. When I went back to work, it went down to 1 oz PP. Now... it's 1/2 oz PP. So about 2-2.5 oz a day. That is pathetic considering he eats at least 6 oz a feeding (30-36 oz a day).

And I have done everything the past 4.5 months to boobs boost my supply. Fenugreek (8847239 capsules a day), milk thistle, mothers milk tea, lactation cookies (multiple recipes. with no increase in supply, although a definite increase in bathroom visits), tried a couple different pumps, did power pumping, pumping and/or nursing every 1-2 hours FOR 1-2 hours, changed breast shield/flange sizes, lanolin on/lanolin off the pump, skin to skin with baby, basically spending hours in bed rubbing my boobs on my baby's face. NOTHING HAS WORKED.

And, I hate pumping now. I mean I really hate it. Wake up, have to pump around my frantic morning schedule, go to work and have to squeeze in time to pump there, get home and just want to chill out and play with the baby but oh wait! have to pump. Evening routine started, maybe running some errands.. have to pump! and the absolute WORST: late at night and I want to go to bed...and then I remember. NOPE - have to pump first! Part of it is the set up and take down since I'm transporting it back and forth to work that is just a pain. Having to wash all the pump parts, pack and unpack them, roll all the tubing and wires up... then sit there with my hands stuck on the bottles while the little bit of milk creeps out. UGH. SO.SICK.OF.IT.

Yet I really don't feel ready to stop yet. Maybe because I'm still holding onto THE DREAM. Ya know, the one you have while pregnant that you're just gonna breastfeed to a year and it'll be all hunky dory. If that works out, cool. And I am happy for women it works out great for. But let me tell ya, it doesn't always work. And it makes you feel like a big ol' failure since there is now a lot of breastfeeding shaming (much of it unintentional) going on in our culture. If you're not breastfeeding, you didn't try hard enough, hence you suck as a mother.

(I don't even believe in all the propaganda related to breastfeeding! So I don't know why it bothers me so much. Keep in mind this is all my opinion but, I do NOT believe it affects IQ at all. Correlation does NOT prove Causation. For example, "they" claim breastfed babies have higher IQs. That does not mean breastfeeding caused that. What it most likely is, is higher income households tend to BF vs lower income households which tend to formula feed. And income/social status/class/poverty level etc ALL make a different in education, education levels, and intelligence. An example of correlation/causation: Group A is a tribe in Africa who are all black, and they have a higher rate of a Disease X compared to Group B, a group of white people in North America. Does that mean that darker skin makes you more susceptible to Disease X?  No. Because when you look further, you see the North Americans are vaccinated against Disease X. You need to prove a CORRELATION. And not for nothing, anecdotally, an entire generation of Baby Boomers were predominately formula fed. They seem to be alright to me.

I also don't believe in the less ear infections argument. I was BF till 1 year old. My teeth are mottled due to all the antibiotics I was on for ear infections. The same causation/correlation argument applies.

I also do not believe in the whole "bonding" thing. To me that is so ruuuude. Granted, I think most BFing advocates mean it is a bonding experience, which it is and NOT that you need to BF in order TO bond (at least I hope so). But some breastfeeding "nazis" really do mean that, which is just plain ol' mean and wrong. Fathers don't breastfeed, are they not bonded to their children? My breastfeeding anxiety totally interfered with bonding in the way beginning. Giving him a bottle took so much pressure off, so I could relax, enjoy my baby, and start to bond. Now, yes, once breastfeeding was established (however crappy it was), it was a bonding experience, which is why I miss it. But it is totally used as propaganda in certain cases and I don't like that.

You cannot argue against the fact that breast milk contains antibodies and provide immunities though, which are beneficial to the baby. Also a transfer of certain vitamins, and DHA, and some other "good stuff." That was my main desire in wanting to breastfeed. Along with it being the most "natural" way to feed (we are mammals after-all, named for our mammary glands which produce milk to feed our young) and of course, it's free food.)

So. I will continue to pump for now. When will I quit? When it goes down to 1/4 oz a pump? When I hit 5 months or 6 months? (6 months was my modified goal after my 1 year goal was clearly ridiculous). I don't know. But I need to just let it go a little bit. Slowly and slowly till I'm totally over it. Callum was (almost) exclusively breastfed for 1 month. Then he got formula and breastmilk (nursing and pumped milk) until 4 months. Now he gets mostly formula and a tiny amt of pumped BM a day. At least I tried my best, and I can really say that.

After one of the last times he nursed

Products I love

Callum is fast approaching 4 months old and I have been meaning to make a post like this for awhile. All the things I "love" are just that - things *I* love. Some other parents may hate them. But I've found them to be extrremely valuable. None of these things were products I was compensated to review. Just items I purchased or received as gifts, and want to share with other parents.

1) JJ Cole Car Seat Cover. If you live in the tropics, disregard this one. If you live on the tundra in NY state like I do, then this is for you. This winter was (ok, is STILL) particularly brutal. Callum was born Tuedsay, December 10th. We drove to the hospital (with me screaming and cursing in pain, like something out of the movies) around 8:30am. At that time it was cold, but no snow on the roads and we hadn't had too much snow yet for the season. By that evening, I lay in my hospital bed with my tiny newborn, wondering what the heck I was supposed to do... while a blizzard raged outside the window. Talk about not getting many visitors (thank you to the warriors that visited us during this time. That is true love).

Anyway, I'm sidetracking. Point is - it has been a snow war since literally the day this baby was born. We have almost a record setting amount of snow this winter. And the temps have been SO brutal. Even now it's April (tomorrow) and we have a ton of snow on the ground and it's cold, ya'll. I could NOT have dragged this baby in and out as often as I did if it wasn't for this cover.

Source: Amazon.com

It's a "shower cap" style which just goes over the top of the car seat. It doesn't interfere with any straps or the operation of the carseat. This style is safest for that reason (MVA are the #1 cause of death in kids, so that's not something to ignore) It's basically like an old school bunting. I fold up a blanket or two over him, then zip this up over the baby/blanket bundle, and put the flap over his head. The cover is wind resistant too. No messing around with snow suits or heavy coats, which, you should not use anyway since those can also compress in an accident and cause the baby to go flying out of the seat. So, basically if you live somewhere ridiculous like me, get this for your baby.

2) Snuza alarm. Go ahead and make fun of me. That lady puts an alarm on her kid's diaper. But you know what? - that alarm goes off if my kid stops breathing. Which, is kind of a big deal. People spend all kinds of money on more minor "safety" things but then something that is huge to their life... they make fun of it. I cannot tell you the peace of mind this gives me. And yes, it works. We've tested it, not to mention all the "false" alarms. Which really aren't false because a false alarm would be if it just randomly went off. That has never happened. It's gone off when it's slipped off of him or over to the side, or when I take it off for a diaper chance and forget to put it back on. That's actually a true alarm - since it's not detecting movement (his breathing). SIDS scares the crap out of me. No this alarm does not prevent SIDS. But it helps add a little help to your SIDS prevention arsenal. I cannot sleep if the battery is dead or it's not on him. I couldn't live with myself if he died and if only I had not been too lazy to get outta bed and clip the alarm on him, we would have known. So on it goes. Till he starts middle school (lol I kid). They're expensive ($100) but I got mine on ebay for half that.

Source: Amazon.com

3) Bouncy Chair

We are putting him in it a little less now because he's liking his swing now and also spends time on a blanket, but he hung out all the time in it as a newborn. I got mine for $5 off someone on craigslist. No need to pay $50-60 for one. Seriously though, you cannot hold your baby forever and my kid didn't like the baby carrier we had at the time, plus I had trouble getting anything done with a 10lb blob strapped to the front of my chest anyway. He loves sitting back in the chair, and loves when the vibration is on. Get one. And get a used one because they're fine.

Source: ebay.com

4) FENUGREEK. I have complained so many times about my low supply of breastmilk. I won't get into it in this post. Let's just say, I took the classes, did the reading, thought I would BF till a year and it would be great. baby comes. he latches fine and besides the extremely sore nips the first week or 2, we had no issues. Except I could never satisfy him. And when I pump I get very little. Getting 2 oz when he was drinking 2 oz was okay. But now things have gone down to 1 oz... and he drinks 6. Fenugreek supplements have helped. Not a lot. When I was getting 2-3 oz pumped milk, I would get an extra 1 oz. Now that I only get 1 oz pumped milk, it gives me about 1/2 oz more. But when you have low supply/trouble pumping, you are very grateful for that half ounce. So if you struggle with milk supply, get some. And take like 9 pills a day. 

Source: newhealthguide.org

5) Lanolin. I used Medela in the hospital and Lansinoh at home. Medela is thinner and Lansinoh is thicker but they both work well. Lansinoh is cheapr and cheaper is good... because everything is overpriced with a baby. By 2 weeks I didn't need it anymore because somehow the nips adjust and go back to normal. But omg... the first few days especially... it was a god-send. Nipples should never bleed, crack, and scab. But they do. THEY DO. Sidenote: lanolin is made from the sebaceous glands of sheep, yummy.

Source: target.com

6) Colic Calm (a gripe water). This isn't just for colic. It's for general fussiness and crying and when they're a mess. It's expensive ($20) and inky black. Which is ridiculous when you have a baby who spits up and drools... because then then they leave black stains on clothes. But it helped me kid. Also - gas drops. Any kind. Maybe these products don't help. But they make you think they are... and that's half the bottle battle.

Source: coliccalm.com

7) Formula
It's a controversial topic. Most lactation consultants and breastfeeding nazi's tell you not to use that stuff if you're trying to breastfeed. But, they don't live in the real world with YOUR child. Because it actually SAVED my breastfeeding relationship and also helped me to actually start bonding with my child. The first night home from the hospital, Callum SCREAMED till 7am. He was on the boob pretty much constantly. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, scared, and wondering wtf was wrong with my kid and what the heck I had gotten myself into. Finally at 7am I remembered the ready-to-use formula sample bottles we had in the cupboard. The ones that earlier that day I had "poo-poohed" saying I wouldn't need them. I also had a sample can of formula but had no idea how to make a bottle of powered formula lol, so these bottles were easier. So I, crying, broke down and gave him one (Similac for Supplementation). He chugged it and fell right asleep. I was amazed. I was relieved. I felt like a weight had been lifted. After that I still breastfed for almost every feeding. But just knowing we had some was a great security blanket. I would usually give him a 2 oz bottle at his bedtime feeding, and have Eric give him one if i was ever out. Because when you only have 1 hour between the end of 1 feeding and the start of another... if you ever do leave the house, you're pretty much guaranteed that your baby will be hungry before you make it home. I still felt guilty since everyone said not to give formula and felt like I was "sneaking" it in, but did help a little with my mental state related to my breastfeeding anxiety.

Over time though, it allowed me to RELAX. I was such an emotional, anxious mess in the beginning over his feeding that it totally interfered with bonding. I can't remember how many times I stated "I hate breastfeeding." I would cry anytime the baby started crying to eat, because I DREADED having to nurse him. Having formula available let me know that he would always get enough to eat. That I could whip out a bottle if needed, and KNOW exactly how much he was eating too. Because when you nurse, you have no clue how much your baby just drank. If I was a leaky cow like some women are, I would have just given him all pumped breastmilk. But I am not a cow-woman. 

He was mostly BF for the first month. I had a manual pump and I finally got a double electric pump around a month old. Around that time his demands were increasing, and he was eating 3-4 oz. I was still only producing 2 oz of milk when I pumped. So then I started mixing bottles of 2 oz BM and 1-2 oz formula. Again, my kid would sca-ream for hours if he didn't get all the milk he wanted. Some people are okay with that, and say to still not supplement, but I personally couldn't stand a) hearing my kid scream, and b) knowing he was hungry. So I supplemented with formula and it was good for us. I still wish I made an overabundance of milk but since I don't, I'm so glad this is available. 

PS. He's been on Similac and if you sign up for Similac Strong Moms they'll send you $5 rebate checks in the mail, plus they often have $2 off coupons. So $7 off, makes it about the same as generic. Howeverthey recently raised the price of the kind he's on...so I'll probably be switching to generic (which he's had and was fine). And FYI... ALL store brands are made by the same company, Perrigo. So walmart, target, the drug stores, wegmans brand, etc... it's the exact same formula (www.storebrandformula.com) And ALL formula in the US has to meet the same nutritional standards by law... so different brands are not as different as you think.

Source: Similac.com

If it was not for formula in the beginning to help supplement, I totally would have given up on BFing altogether. I'm so glad I am still able to BF when I can. It really is a great bonding experience now - I love laying in bed with him as he nurses and dozes. It may not fill him up like "normal" breastfeeding should, but it's like a "snack" and he's so calm and relaxed...it's just the best. So if you are pregnant and planning to breastfeed... sign up with Similac and Enfamil to get some samples sent to you. it's just good peace of mind, I'm tellin ya!

3 months old

I find it so hard to find the time to actually make updates. Callum is not a difficult baby but a) he is always hungry and b) I've decided he definitely is a first child lol. He's used to attention. If he's not hungry ( which he always seems to be) then he has to be entertained. Well, that is unfair, because he will spend time just chillin' in his bouncy chair, looking around at things. But there are times when it feels like we cannot get anything done.

SLEEP/EATING!!
His sleep has been awful. He was doing 6-7 hours a night (up 1 time a night). ugh I wish. That was a magical time. Now it's 3-4 hours (up 2x a night) and last night he was up literally every 1-2 hours (up 5 times!).
 We switched his formula a couple weeks ago from Similac Sensitive to Similac Total Comfort due to painful gas issues... and I read that that formula can cause them not to go as long between feedings. The proteins are partially broken down so I hypothesize that it just takes less time to digest. I've tried giving him bottles of the old Similac Sensitive and breastmilk before bed and he's still waking up after 3-4 hours. I don't know what the deal is. He also was up to drinking about 6 oz a feeding, every 4 hours during the day. Dear God I miss those days. Now he barely makes it 2 hours half the time and it's so random. He has no schedule no matter how hard I try. He just wants to graze and sometimes he'll take 5 oz and then another feeding he'll be screaming his head off to eat... and then only drink an ounce. He is wasting so much milk!! Yesterday we laid in bed for 2.5 hours and he nursed on and off the entire time. Hello, brusied nipples. He just loves to eat.

 I really hope he's going through a "leap" right now (anyone have the Wonder Weeks app that I'm too cheap to pay for, and tell me if he's in a leap right now??) or a growth spurt, and it's not due to pain. He's probably just being a freaken milk monster and there's nothing I can do about it till we can finally start him on solids.

So many people (mostly women over 50) tell me to give him some rice cereal in his bottle before bed. But it's not recommended to age 4-6 months old now. Granted, millions of babies (myself included) got in like that for decades and are not maimed or dead from it. But I am nervous to do before then, what if it gives him lifelong gastrointestinal issues all because I couldn't suck up a few months of exhaustion? At his 2 month appt the pedi said 4 months when I asked (which is good since some now say 6 months). Of course there are also people that say giving cereal doesn't help them with waking up but I don't believe that. Again, millions of past mothers wouldn't say it did work, if it didn't. So we will be trying it  next month (although I think I will spoon feed it instead of a bottle because I fear aspiration). We need to do something because he is just so hungry all the time!!

GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT
At his 2 month appt (10 weeks old) he was 12 lb 10 oz (63rd percentile) and 23.75 inches long (52nd percentile). I weighed him yesterday and the scale said 14 lbs but he's probably a little less because he had clothes. And i have to weigh him by weighing myself alone, then holding him, then subtracting the difference. At least all the milk is helping him grow well lol. I officially packed up all him 3 month clothes. I almost cried because he had the most size 3 month clothes of anything.. It's hard because literally a couple days ago he was wearing them (albeit they were already small) and now I'm packing them up... I saved a couple outfits that I just could not bear to pack away yet. He's in 3-6 month and 6 month clothes, although the 6 month are a tad big. He's in size 2 diapers. His newest thing is SHOVING his hands into his mouth. It's not in hunger. he just does it all the time and also drools while doing it. he's also been scratching his face a lot more so I've been putting mitts on him again. So now he has spit drenched mitts on his hands. He has even gave himself irritated, red skin around his mouth a few times from rubbing his little fist against his skin so many times. It's crazy! I keep checking to see if he's teething but I don't see anything in there.

He apparently rolled over from tummy to back on Monday (12 weeks, 6 days old) but he hasn't done it since and Eric says he thinks his mom (who was over) "helped" him. I was at work so I didn't see so I'm not totally counting it yet. Callum HATES tummy time with a passion. I took a video of him freaking out over it. He just laying on his stomach with his face on the floor, freaking out like a turtle stuck on it's back, till we roll him over.

LINK TO VIDEO: Callum's tummy time tantrum

DRAMA:
At his 2 month appt he got a dTap shot, hep b shot #2, and the oral rotovirus vaccine. He also "should" have gotten Hib, Pcv (pneumococcol), and IPV (polio). I just felt like that was too many to give at once. The pedi we saw was not super supportive of it. Just saying there is a lot of misinformation online and that they don't normally do alternative schedules. Also quoted the CDC by saying that the timing the CDC developed is better for building immunity (even though there are NO published research studies supporting that statement) I looked back, and at my own 2 month appt, I got 2 shots (dtap and polio). I didn't get hib till i was 2 years old. That was all based on the schedule back them. So I call BS on that statement. It's just a way to increase vaccine compliance. Because statistically, the older a kid gets, the less and less likely a parent is to bring them back in for vaccinations. So then we were supposed to take him back 2 weeks later for the rest. But the day after the shots is when he started getting the painful gas, eating weird and sleeping weird. And the eating/sleeping has never returned to normal. So I was like eff it, I'm not taking him back to just mess his system up all over again.

 So I called and canceled the appt and I'm sure at his 4 month appt we'll get a lecture about how we've "messed up" the schedule now. He's supposed to get booster shots at that appt too. Idk what to do... I've researched some more alternative vax scedule friendly pedi practices. But I really don't want to change because besides this, I like the practice and it's so close. It's also hard to find a pediatrician that is open to it and considers how you feel, without passing judgement that you're some crazy anti-vax person (which I am not). Part of me just want to wait till he's a year old and then resume the schedule like normal, just 1 year later. I really do not like the thought of all those chemicals being put into his tiny body right now.. They give you these vaccine info sheets before giving the shots, with all these crazy possible side effects. But then effectively it's like why even tell me, if I'm pretty much forced to inject my baby? I just don't like it. I want him vaccinated, but I just really do not like the CDCs schedule, it's insane to me! I wouldn't want 6 shots at once in my big body, let alone his little one. So that's the drama.


He has lost SO MUCH hair. I literally lint rolled his bassinet yesterday because of all the hair in it. I hate it!

Some pictures:

 Yes, Callum FINALLY got to go outside and see the sun! He loved going on a walk and getting to look around, and the bumpy rhythem of the sidewalk was soothing to him. And his body was like "OMG what is this Vitamin D? It was 50 degrees on Tuesday afternoon and then by Wednesday we had the crazy blizzard (and snow day)so his time outside was short lived.

Tummy time, first time outside/going for a walk, 3 month picture.

me and Callum on 3/11/14 - 3 months, 1 day old.

Back to normal life

I went back to work on Wednesday, Feb 12th. I was so nervous (as most moms are) to go back. I had just gotten him on somewhat of a schedule and then it was like BOOM lets mix it up! being back to work is going well though. I love my job even more now honestly. I think I was so exhausted and physically worn out from pregnancy that it was causing me to just exist at work. But now I'm back and feisty and ready to be a fabulous school nurse! lol. I'm still exhausted though.

Eric is home with the baby during the day, and Wednesday his mom came out too to watch him. I'm soooo glad that I don't have to bring him to daycare. That would just make things so much harder - emotionally and financially (honestly, i couldn't afford daycare, it's more than my mortgage!). It makes me feel so much better to know that Callum is still home, and with his daddy. And I can just roll outta bed in the morning still. Seriously, I have to be at work at 7:20 and I am not a morning person, people. I pretty much HAD to buy a house in the same town, just to cut down on the commute time lol.

I had Callum on a schedule where he ate every 4 hours for 12-14 "daytime" hours. Then he was sleeping 6-7 hours before wanting to eat again, then sleeping for a few more hours. He is also taking around 6 oz now, which is crazy. I feel like that's so much! Last night he drank 7 oz before bed! But since I was trying to get him to sleep through the night, he still get the same amt of calories a day as when he was taking like 4 oz a feeding, just gets more in during the day and less during the night.

He got all a mess when I went back to work. First, I think he sensed things were different. Eric has been getting up at night with him, something I used to do. So that's throwing him off. Plus Eric doesn't know our schedule. He knew it in theory but not all the little nuances. I knew Callum's cues and facial expressions and cries so well that I just knew when he was really hungry, or only wanted a little snack. Or when he is gonna eat and be up, or eat and catnap or eat and sleep sleep. I feel like other people don't know them as well, so he just gets all "off" when I'm not there to keep the schedule up. Last night though he was a little more normal, maybe hell get back on track. It's funny though to see a true circadian rhythm though that isn't messed up from life crap yet. Callum has a natural sleep time at night and has a natural wake time in the morning (usually by 830). Eric and I on the other hand are a big ol' mess with our sleep patterns and I think we have murdered any circadian rhythms we might once have had. But the baby usually goes down around 10pm and is up by 8:30am. I wish he slept in a little more lol.

I really need to start going to bed earlier in general though. I haven't been making it to bed until midnight, and then up at 6. Feeling soooo tired today. I need to get a routine in place because its been taking me like 3 hours at night to prepare for the next day (shower me and baby, feed baby, lunch made, clothes out, pump, make 1 bottle, etc). I hope it gets a little easier.

Callum was 2 months on Monday and 9 weeks on Tuesday! He looks soooo different looking now from when he was born. His face is so big and chubby. I was looking at his newborn pics and it seriously doesn't even look like the same baby! He is so alert and laughs and smiles at us all the time. He "talks" and coos at his wallpaper. He loves being naked and he loves the bathroom, probably because it's warm and bright. So I combine his 2 loves, and just let him lay on the floor in there (on a towel) butt naked and kick and stare at the lights. If he's crying he almost always stops. He also likes his baths now, he kicks his legs all over the place. Lol, I discovered that the peri bottle the hospital gives you makes a GREAT squirt bottle when washing his hair. Seriously, if you have a baby with hair, you should try it. When I take him out of the bath though he cries hysterically. It's so predictable, it's kinda funny. I have to wrap him and hold him close to dry off, then lay him back down naked - and he'll stop crying.

He's also looking at himself in the mirror when I hold him up to it. He actually looks more at MY reflection, and sometimes will smile at it. Yay, he knows me! I think he's kinda confused about his reflection is him though. he almost looks like "hey, who the hell is my mama kissing?" haha his little face is so funny.

He has the driest, flakiest scalp ever. Poor kid.

He has his 2 month doctor appt on Monday. I am so anxious to see what he weighs/how long he is. 0-3 month clothing are pretty much too small now. 3 month fits and 3-6 month fit now, they're just a tad big. INSANE!! It was only like 3 weeks ago I was still putting him in newborn! He's supposed to get shots... it's supposed to be 6 vaccinations!! I think that is INSANE. Hep B, polio, Hib, rotovirus,  pneumoccol, dTap. Which really it's EIGHT vaccinations since the dTap is diphtheria, tetanus, and pertussis all rolled into one.
  I looked back at my own shot record, I only had 2 at 2 months (dtap and polio) which was according to the then vax schedule. I am totally a pro-vax'er, but I really do not want to give him 6 at once. I want to talk to the dr about spreading them out. Like... why 6 at 2 months, none at 3 months, and 5 at 4 months, none at 5 month, then more at 6 months? Why not a little every month? So idk how they'll take to my concerns, probably won't like it. But no way is my tiny baby getting 6 vaccinations all at the same time. So yea, I'm becoming one of THOSE parents now.


I'm about to start February Recess... woo a week off a work. Working for a school is the best!