18 days old

Time is flying already. Each day goes by so fast. Mainly because I am semi-nocturnal and don't get out of bed until at least noon o'clock. His face is changing already. It's definately chubbier and his cheeks have filled out.

We had our 2 week doctor appt with our actual pediatrictian this past week.  He weighed 7 lbs 14 oz. He gainned 14 oz in 10 days! He was 7lbs exactly at his appt 10 days before (he was 7lb 7 oz at birth). He was 21 inches long, up an inch. And his head was 14 inches, up 1/2 inch.

His eyes have been gooey and crusty. It's clogged tear ducts. The pedi said it's normal and goes away in a couple weeks... to a few months. It's actually looking a little better. We have to push on the corners of his eyes. And... I've been putting breastmilk on it. It helps it apparently.

His skin has also been peeling all off. Pedi said at 2 weeks old they lose their entire first layer of skin. he's like a little snake. It's getting a little better though.

I'm continuing to breastfeed, and supplement. I'm just not making that much milk. He is drinking 3 oz at this point, last night he took 4 oz. So I either a) nurse him for about 30 mins, then offer 1-2 oz of formula or 2) give him whatever amt of pumped breastmilk I have (usually 1-2 oz) and then fill the rest of the bottle up with formula to make it 3 oz. I got a Medela Pump In Style Advanced (the metro bag which was more money, of course) and I LOVE IT. I'm done pumping within 5-10 minutes. I get out 1-2 oz total, which really isn't that much. Sometimes only 1/2 ounce if I pump right after I nurse. But he was acting so unsatisfied and hungry all the time because he wasn't getting enough from me. Supplementing with formula has really helped him... and saved my sanity. This past week has been SO much better. He's going at least 3 hours now between feedings (unless he just nurses and falls asleep and won't wake up, then he's huungry again sooner since he didn't get enough). I've learned already that you have to do what works for you and your baby. Yea all the lactivists would tell me to just stick him on my boob all day long but that wouldn't work. I feel more in the groove now, still figuring some things out but like I said, feedings are way better. I seem to be the only one though that can figure out the math on giving him his mixed breastmilk/formula bottles. I'm talking to you, Eric. lol It is unnerving though to try and franktically make a bottle while he is screaming his baby head off. Callum is so impatient. Lol Eric's mom said he gets it from his dad hahaha.

There still aren't set times for his feedings but I can kind of anticipate when he will eat. KIND OF. Because without fail he'll mess it all up and either go for super long (usually during the day) and then other times wake up sooner (of course, usually during the night). He's really a pretty good baby though. He doesn't fuss much unless he's hungry, his pacifier falls out, or sometimes when we're changing him. He loves to suck so the pacifier works well for him. He really needs to learn how to keep it in his mouth though. He is the best burper. He burps so easily, sometimes before I can even get him up on my shoulder.

He pees so much. He pees all over everything. We go through like, 50 outfits a day. Also, everyone says "oh they're not in newborn clothes for long" but.... he's in them NOW. And I have a definate lack of newborn sizes. So sometimes we go through them all and I have to put him in the 0-3 or 3 month sizes and he swims in them. Sometimes they're so big I'm scared he'll sufficate lol. I just bought a newborn sized sleeper tonight because seriously, I get that they're not in them long, but I still need to dress him for the first month or so.

I return to work February 12th. It's a Wednesday. I work 3 days and then have February Recess for a week lol. I did that on purpose to ease myself back in. So he'll be 9 weeks old when I go back... but he'll be 11 weeks old time I go back after the break. I am taking a couple weeks of my maternity leave unpaid but it's worth it to me. I can't imagine going back after only 6 weeks!! I'm nervous to go back only because of my sleep scedule. I have to get up at 6am... there are nights i've only gotten like 2 hours of sleep by then... i get most of my sleep from like 8am-11am because Callum usually sleeps soundly then (altough today he was a mess during that time, so who knows).    No idea how to get a tiny baby on a scedule since he has no idea what time it is.

This was his first bath. His umbilical cord had fallen off but a little scab was still there and apparently it was okay to bathe him. The scab has since gone away, for anyone who wanted to know. I'm a bad mother but I can't even remember what day it fell off. It happened earlier than I thought it would though.

He's fussing to eat now, so I better go feed that hungry baby!!

The Birth Story

Callum John is here!! Callum is pronounced like Cal (as in california) and then Um. it's scottish and is a form of the latin word columbia which means peace. So now you know.

It's taken me over a week to make it to a computer. Who knows how long it'll take me to actually type this lol as he will want to be eating soon... and then I'm running to bed. Beware, I don't spare details and I get graphic.

So I last wrote Monday night... in which I believe I was already in early labor. I went to bed and told Eric it would be happening soon (altho I didn't think that night lol.) Went to bed at like 1:30 and a little after 3am I woke up with a start - I was in a lot of pain. But it felt like pressure-pain like I had been having. Peed and laid back down. A few minutes later I felt it again. At some point I thought maybe I should time these. I had a contraction timer app, so I was laying in bed, trying to hit when I felt the pain and when it stopped, and dozed in between. They were all over the place, sometimes up to 13 minutes apart so at this point I still didn't know/think that they were contractions. I thought I was just having pains as usual. Around 530 I thought they were going away. Around 6 or 630 they came back...stronger. At that point i KNEW. And I started to panic! I was texting my mom, and woke up Eric. He had been sleeping through a lot of the night. They started hurting BAD, where I was groaning in pain and hating life whenever I had one. They weren't like how childbirth class told me they'd be. They were LOW like in my pelvis and squeezed around to my back. There were none up high, like at my fundus or really any uterine involvement.

 I called the on-call dr and she was like oh you're still talking through the contractions (um NO I WASN"T) and it's your first baby so it'll take like 14 hours so take a shower and eat something and then go in. WORST ADVICE EVER. Never should have listened, should have went in then. Eric and I both showered, with me yelling in pain, having contractions. Eric tried to make me breakfast but by that point I had NO interest in food. I had originally told my mom we'd meet her at the hospital but I called her and said no come to the house. I was paniced because I had so much to do - had to dry my hair and straighten it (AGAIN - stupid ass doctor) and just get our bags and I couldn't think straight. Finally we were like ok we have to leave now! It was around 8:30 at that point. I kept telling Eric to hurry and cussing out all the slow drivers on the road.

Got to the hospital, had a contraction in the parking lot and some random man came up and helped carry in my bag. Had another contraction in the hospital hallway. Got buzzed into the birth center and went to the main desk. They're trying to talk to me all normal and i'm like omg shut uppp I can't listen to you right now! I had a contraction at the desk and was just moaning in pain. They got me into triage and had me go pee in a cup... again that was horrible trying to pee in a cup while having a contraction. They sent my mom out to the waiting room because only 1 support person is allowed in triage. Felt like it took FOREVER for a nurse to come into my triage room. I was having contractions and like yelling out/screaming and no position felt good. Eric went out I think at one point like how much longer??? A nurse finally came in and hooked me up to a monitor and started an IV on me. And then a PA FINALLY came in and checked me. 4-5 cm and told me I was being admitted. Took me to room #1 lol since it was the shortest walk. I went to pee and when I came back out my sisters and mom were in there.

 I wanted an epidural and the anesthesiologist was just about to do a C-Section, so she came in to do my epi quick. They sent everyone out of the room. Getting an epidural is not fun. You have to hold still, while having  horrifically painful contractions. And hunch your body. ANd they're poking needles and numbing stuff and test doses all into you and telling you not to move. Well my left leg started to feel numb. Had some more contractions that I felt - the doctor said I'd feel the next 3 contractions but then they should start to get better. They got better on my left side but not my right. So the doctor pulled back on the catheder a little bit to try and move it in my back to get to right side nerves. She said well the only other thing to do is start over. But she had to go do the C/S. Idk, but she left. My family came back in and I was still feeling contractions but was feeling a lot better. They had just settled me in bed and I had a contraction, when all of a sudden water was everywhere. My water had broke. I was just like "my water broke" all calm about it. It was everywhere though and 2 nurses had to change the bed and I had the dead left leg. It wasn't bad then though because the epidural was giving me some mild relief. That lasted for about 20 minutes?

Then all of a sudden I started feeling them again. But worse. At that point things are now fuzzy. Because basically the epidural stopped working. I cannot describe the extent of the pain. It was just tearing through me and nothing you can do. All I can say is worse pain you can ever ever imagine. They also put a foley catheder in me somewhere around then, and that hurt so freaken bad. They kept apologizing and I was like no no, I know you have to do it. I remember grabbing the siderails, grabbing onto eric's hoodie pocket, and yelling. My mom kept trying to get me to breathe but I couldn't. All I could do was yell through the pain. I repeatedly said "I can't do this," " I want to go home" and then "I want to die! Just let me die!"

At some point they were coming really close together, like I had no break. I cried "why are they so close together!!" Around that time my nurse was supposed to have her lunch break and her relief nurse was like are you gonna go and she didn't think she should but I wanted her to because I was thinking "i don't want to take away a nurse's lunch" I heard them say it was my first so i'd probably still be in labor till 5pm (it was like 1230 at that time). I was like fuck no I'm not.  Lol it's weird the thoughts I was having throughout labor. Like I also remember being jealous of everyone in the room that they got to be  observers and I had to be the one going through it. The relief nurse was really great too and I remember her talking to me to relax me - Eric says she helped me but I don't even remember.

Anyway, around then I started getting urges to push. Everyone was telling me not to, that if you push when you're not ready that you increase your risk for a C/S. I was trying not to push but at the end of a contraction my body just did it. I was getting SO frustrated with everyone saying that so I yelled "I cant fucking help it!! im trying not to but im just doing it!!" Things hurts SO SO SO bad. I had been feeling nauseous and Eric had a basin and then finally I puked. I was classically in transition and in the back of my head I knew it (contractions on top of each other, very long and painful, yelling that i can't do it, urge to push, throwing up, etc). The nurses were still talking about having the anesthesiologist come bac to redo my epidural at this point LOL yeah right! My mom apparently asked them when I'd be checked around this time though. Long story short, a PA came in and checked me and I was 10 cm. I had gotten there sooner than everyone thought - it was around 1pm at this time. So they got me in position and told me how to push. Honestly it was a *little* bit better when I could start pushing. It was like I was doing something instead of just writhing in pain. My sisters were lifting the back of my head up and 2 people had my legs - I think eric and my mom and Monica my nurse? lol I don't even know. The PA put her hand in my crotch to feel and was like "sorry!" and I remember it felt better - like relieved some pressure. And I asked her to leave her hand there LOL. The PA told me when I was pushing effectively and I felt the difference between a "good" push and a "not so good" push but... it was a lot harder to do a good push lol. So sometimes I would get lazy and do not-so-good ones. I would have a contraction, want to cry because I felt it coming on and didn't want the pain, then pushhhhhhh for like 30 seconds and then collaspse back. At one point they got a bar and put a sheet over it so I could pull on that when pushing, and put my feet up on it. Helped SO much. I remember my sisters talking over my head and I yelled at them " SHUT UP!" because I wanted to know what they were saying but couldn't hear and I was jealous lol. I couldn't get the sentance out to say "what are you saying" so just yelling shut up was easier.

At some point they could see his head. I never knew if they could see it high up or if he was crowning. They just kept saying it though. I remember the PA getting soap out when he was actually closer down and soaping his head up. Then all of a sudden the pressure was so painful and was burning. I didn't want to push because it hurt so much worse and I knew it was his head coming close. He really was crowning then. Maybe that's when she did the soap, lol I don't know. Everyone was going down to look - and it's true what they say. You really don't care. The room had a few more people coming in, i think the actual attending doctor came in around then. Can't remember her name - I have to ask my mom or Eric. My sister apparently took a video and Eric took pics of him coming out, lol I had no idea. At this point I was like in an alternate consciousness. In between contractions I was kinda almost sleeping but not really... it was weird. I would lean back, rest, then feeling another coming and tell everyone "i'm about to have one" and then get myself in the pushing position. It was burning and hurting so bad (so much pressure!!!) and I remember thinking "oh god, I am about to tear. This is it. This is the moment I've been dreading." I took a breathe and started pushing again, this time even when I wasn't having contractions. more people came in the room, felt like it was full of them. I knew it was gonna be any minute at that point. I just wanted it OVER. I was SO exhausted. Then idk, everyone was getting super excited. Eric told them we wanted to do delayed cord cutting if possible. They said thats fine as long as he's okay. More pushing... And his head popped out and then his body just slithered out - I honestly don't even remember this though. He was born at 2:16pm :)

He did a gurgely cry and they said they had to take him over to the warmer right away. Eric said what about the delayed cutting and they were like no we have to take him over, and I was like no take him. Eric cut the cord and they took him over and just had to suction him a bunch. He had a lot of mucous and was grunting. It wasn't serious but just had to get it all out. Everyone was over at the warmer and I couldn't even see him,  lol the first 5 minutes all I saw was his legs through the wall of people. The PA and doctor were busy stitching me up - tmi but I actually didnt even tear much/bad. I won't get into that but they kept saying sorry! (they try to give you numbing shots but eh, you still feel things) and I was like oh no it's fine! So, feeling your crotch be stitched feels like nothing compared to giving birth. All during labor the nurses and my mom told me I would forget this pain. So right then after he was born, i yelled out "I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!!!!" lol my sisters are still laughing about it.

Anyway, I was kinda dazed and exhausted and JUST SO HAPPY labor was over. I felt a contraction like 10 minutes later and had a PTSD moment but then realized it was the placenta. That was delivered with like 1 contraction and 1 push and then I felt GREAT. Pain gone. My mom and Eric kept walking back and forth between me and the baby. They finished stitching me and then I finally got to hold my baby after like 15 minutes.

So Callum was born Tuesday 12/10/13 at exactly 39 weeks gestation, he was 7 lbs 7oz, 20 inches long. No idea what his apgar scores were cuz I forgot to ask. Im sure they werent that good. At discharge his bilirubin level was 9.2.

An hour later the anesthesiologist came in, she had just gotten out of surgery. And apologized. LOL. Also my left thigh was numb for an entire day. Basically it all just went to my leg.

 Dr. Tripp came in the next day and was like "I have to take a state exam every 6 years and yesterday was THE DAY i had to go and do it! And that's the day you had the baby!" He also basically said the anesthegiologist sucked lol. It was fine though not having my actual doctor there... didn't even think about it in the moment because shit was so intense.

I could go on and on and talk about the hospital stay too but I'm getting sick of typing. So I'll leave it at that. But I know I'll be coming back to edit this entry as I think of additional details that I'm forgetting now.

Things ARE starting to get fuzzy compared to a week ago. I wish I had written this then. I haven't forgotten the pain though. I cannot believe I gave birth and felt it all. It was horrendous. But I'm so glad it's over and we have Callum here :) He is a lot of work. It's now joke. He really is good though. He usually only cries when he's hungry or when we're changing his diaper lol. He's eating every 2-3 hours when I breastfeed (more like every 2 hours ugh) and when we give formula it's 3-4. I've had BF issues... I just don't really like it but I'm continuing to do it. Took him to the pediatrictions on Monday and everything was good. He was 7lbs and they said 19.5 inches long and head was 13.5inches. I was a nervous wreck about his eating at the pedi's office, and the pediatriction calmed me down SO much and then we saw a lacation nurse and she helped too. Whenever he cries I think he's hungry. That's one of my anxieties that I need to get over lol. But sometimes he really IS hungry like when it's midnight and he's in the middle of a cluster feeding marathon. Ugh. Cluster feeding is THE WORST THING EVER. But other than that he's awesome lol

I've posted a ton of pictures of him on facebook, so look there for now.  I'm done with this entry.

39 weeks. About to pop!

Went to the doctor last Thursday, I was 38 weeks 2 days. Was 2 cm, 60% effaced. The nurse talked about "vaginal lightning" which I would like to touch on.... As no one ever told me about it before I was pregnant. I don't get why only contractions get all the credit for pain. Vaginal lightning feels like how it sounds; like bolts of 10 out of 10 pain starting in your low belly and out your crotch. Apparently it has something to do with cervical changes (in particular effacement). Soooo there is the warning for anyone who hasn't been pregnant/experienced it. It sucks and is real lol. Also, the doctor wrote me out of work starting Wednesday 12/11, per my request. He also said it would still be a little while before I had the baby, like it wasn't gonna happen within the next couple days but "soon."

Anyway over the weekend I started to feel "different." We did a lot of shopping, and I wasted more money buying Christmas decorations. Went to dinner with some family Saturday night. Then made Christmas cookies with family Sunday... by "made" I mean I showed up, ate food, then had to leave to take a nap, and come back to at some pizza lol. By last night I was kinda just achey in my lower belly/back/legs and knew shit was getting serious. Also was having a ton of braxton hicks contractions. Oh, last night I tried to roll over and got stuck on my back, like a turtle. Lol it was so damn funny. Eric and I were laughing so much and he had to get up and help me because I could not move (and really had to get up to pee!!)

Sidenote: Late pregnancy and childbirth is a gross process. I never know how detailed to get. I mean a baby comes out the "birth canal" aka vagina. Not exactly dinner party conversation. Also there's fluids and blood and all kinds of junk. but this blog is for me, and I have things I want to remember, so don't read it lol if it grosses you out. Also I'm a nurse... so of course I'm a little biased when it comes to gross things.

I woke up this morning and was nervous my water had broken. Also I thought I got my period. Stumbled into the bathroom at 6:30am and was like "oh I got my period" because I was also having menstrual-like cramps. Well, then I remembered no... I am pregnant lol. I woke Eric up and was like should I call the doctor?? I decided to get my butt to work and just call the doctor's when they opened at 9. When I got to work I gave them a heads up and the NP was like, I'm just gonna go ahead and get a sub set up for tomorrow. I couldn't concentrate on anything there either... I am just so focused on this impending birth thing.

Called the doctor and they wanted me to come in. Long story short - Dr. Tripp checked me and my water had NOT broken. Lol he made me cough hard and I wasn't coughing hard enough and I was like sorry I don't wanna cough and pee on you!! lol He said i was losing my mucous plug, aka "bloody show." He said I am now 3cm and 90% effaced and it's gonna happen soon. Woo I'm glad all that "lightning" in my crotch has been effective at least lol.

Here is a diagram of dilation and effacement. Since most people IRL have no idea what I'm talking about. My sister was saying I was 90% "in faced" LOL. Obviously, this drawing is not to scale. Also, apparently, all my Spanish readers can also understand it. 

Source: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/

 He moved my appt that was supposed to be Thursday to Monday 12/16 and said that he doesn't think I'll make it to then. My due date is Tuesday 12/17. He said he's usually not a fan of inductions, but if I do happen to go past my due date he would consider it with me, if I wanted, because of how much progression I already have. But that he really really doubts it'll come to that. He also took me out of work starting then... so I worked a half day today and then my maternity leave started lol. Oh he checked baby's heart beat and it was perfect :)

I have been having lots of pelvic pressure.. Sometimes it's really really painful, like I can't talk all I can do is moan through it. I make so many moans and groans. It's like if I make noise louder than the pain, it doesn't hurt so bad. Actually I just went to pee and as soon as I sat down I got all this pressure and then a HORRIBLE cramp that wrapped around my whole pelvis. Eric came running into the bathroom because I was was yelling so much and he was asking what was wrong, but I couldn't talk or explain until it passed. Now I'm having just random cramps and pains. I still don't even know what a contraction is "supposed" to feel like. And I have no idea how to time what I feel. It just hurts.
My lower back is super achey, and sometimes it feels like the baby is about to fall out.  I definitely just feel "different" and I'm starting to panic because I just KNOW this is going to happen soon. I'm scared to leave my house and have to b in the hospital, and to go through labor, and get IVs and all that crap, and give birth, and then have to take care of a baby and be someone's mom!

Also don't have a baby around Christmas, especially the first one in your first house. Trying to buy everything for baby, AND buy christmas decorations, AND buy christmas presents, AND go out on maternity leave (aka interruption in pay) is so stressful!!

38 weeks

Here we are. I feel like I will always be pregnant. I cannot imagine the rest of my life beyond this. At least it's DECEMBER now though. The birth month!!

Actually, I feel okay other than the lack of sleep. It's the sleep! I just cannot get comfortable, everything hurts  when I lay down (like my shoulders, arms, hip) and then I have to pee constantly. I mean like every 3-5 minutes I have to pee. It's so impossible to have time to fall asleep in between the peeing. When I actually DO sleep for an okay amt of time though, I don't feel that bad. I went to bed last night at 9:30pm, I think I finally fell asleep around midnight. Got up about 6 times to pee before finally waking up at 5:30am (an hour before my alarm). Then peed 8-9 times by 6:20 when I finally gave up trying to fall back asleep and got up. I actually don't feel terrible today because 5 hours is way more than I normally get lol.

I've decided to just devote my life to going to work and trying to sleep till the baby is born though. I'm done nesting, cleaning, organizing, etc. Whatever, my house can just be mess. I'm sure lots of visitors will judge the mess when coming to see the baby, (at which time I will also be exhausted) but if they don't like to see it then they can leave. People can clean it for me if it's that big of an issue.

I had my 37 week doctor appt on Wednesday, 11/27. I'm now at 2cm and 50% effaced (the week before I was 1cm and 30%). Baby is at +2 station. Apparently the med student told me wrong at my 35 week appt I was at +3, not -3. Whatever. So he moved down 1 station. I still have tons of pelvic (and BUTT) pressure so he's still hanging out in there. The doctor said he is "nicely engaged" lol. My BP, urine,  weight (weight was the exact same as the week before!), and baby's HR were all fine. Fundal height measures on target. I am very lucky. I know I really am to have such a healthy, low risk pregnancy. Doesn't make me feel less crappy though lol. My next appt isn't until this Friday, 12/5.

I feel him less and less during the day. He just does these movements like shifting his body a little. No kicks. Sometimes I get super nervous because I'll realize I haven't felt him all day, so I'll lay down (if I'm at home) and feel for his slight movement. It's seriously freaking me out! But of course as soon as I climb into bed at night,  he'll just be like, turning his head from side to side in my pelvis/on my bladder, fluttering his feet in my ribs, and in general having a techno dance party to the best of his ability in his cramped corners.

About 10000 women in my December pregnancy group had their babies over the thanksgiving break/weekend. Except me.

Nursery is mostly done. Eric went to hang the curtain rods yesterday and as usual had a hard time getting any screws into our walls. Then his electric drill died. We have the hardest time though, screws just won't go in - and yes he uses all those funky anchor things and whatever to help. #oldhouseproblems

My mom is bringing over the finished bassinet today. He is just gonna sleep in that, in our room, for awhile anyway so who really cares about the nursery lol. The dresser and closet have clothes and the changing table is set up, that's about all we really need need in that room for now anyway.

I won a Snuza monitor in an ebay auction. It's a movement/apnea monitor; you clip it onto the baby's diaper and if they stop breathing for 20 seconds it vibrates them. If they still don't breath then it sends out an alarm. Yes, it's to try and prevent SIDS. I can close my eyes without as much fear that I will wake to find a cold, dead baby. To me it's better than an audio or video baby monitor, since you can be unconscious and it'll still notice things.

source http://gizmochunk.com/1327/2012/08/06/life-saving-gadgets-to-help-you-survive-disasters/

I wish I didn't have to work anymore. I am jealous of all the women who get to take off work a little bit before the birth. I love my job - but stuff is annoying me and I'm forgetful and I'm just a little checked out because I'm so preoccupied with myself (yup, I'm self-centered right now!) It's just hard for me to focus on anything other than my pregnancy and upcoming birth. I figure that's normal though. Oh, plus ya know, having to get up early and having less time to prepare things around the house is annoying. But at the same time at least it distracts me, and at least I get paid lol.

No, I have not done any Christmas shopping. When am I supposed to?  (and with what "extra" money?) So stop asking. I did go to Michael's the other night and get some Christmas decorations. but of course I bought too much (spent too much) so now I have a mini Christmas tree in my backseat waiting for me to drive back out and return it... yea.

Also, I love these pictures where they label things. Like oh really, I had no idea that was his eye.

Source: http://www.babycenter.com/fetal-development-images-38-weeks

9 months pregnant

36.3 weeks. When did that happen?

Dr Appt:
I had a doctor appt today, which was kinda useless. Oh and remember that "5 pound weight gain in 2 weeks" from my appt last week? Well I LOST a pound this week. Whatevs. I'm actually online googling labors signs and losing 1-3 lbs is a sign of going itno labor soon, uh oh. I doubt it means anything though. They didn't do an internal today, I don't know why. I have another appt on Wednesday with my actual dr and I'm gonna make him do an internal then. HR was in the 130s with variability, which is good. my BP was 116/72. I found out I'm GBS + so that means I get penicillin now when I'm in labor (it's a bacteria in your gut that is normal, but if inhaled by the baby during birth can potentially cause respiratory problems). The NP was pretty nonchalant about it, and was like "eh 40-50% of our moms are carriers and if you don't make it to the hospital in time to get a dose then, eh we just keep an eye on baby." Ok then. but basically they try to give a dose of it every 6 hours while you're in labor, and it runs for 1/2 hour each time... not a huge deal

Symptoms:
I've been having what feels like period/poop cramps on and off which I think are actually false contractions. Also, while leaving the school today and while walking down the hall at my dr's, I got some really painful shooting pains, like they shot down from my lower uterus down thru my crotch. They were so bad I couldn't walk but had to stand there going "ahh owww" Whatever that is. I have never felt more unknown feelings in my life, with no way to describe them.
I'm having a shit ton of pelvic floor pressure, like he's knocking to come out. And also today I've started having a really back dull backache, just like when you get a period backache. But I'm not about to get my period lol.

My butt hurts. The "sit bone" to be more specific. Probably because a human head is in my pelvic outlet, pushing against it. But it still hurts. And sitting doesn't help....although neither does standing. Probably what would help would be getting a head out of my pelvis.

Also when I say I have to pee all the time, I would like to talk about how it feels different than when I had to pee pre-pregnancy, AND also earlier in pregnancy. It's like this painful, urgent feeling where I have to brace myself when I stand up because I get a shooting pain in my lower belly. It just doesn't feel like normal, and is yet another pregnancy symptom that I can't describe well.

We have a hospital tour scheduled for Dec 4th... hopefully I don't give birth by then. I thought we'd get a tour during our childbirth classes but no dice. If not, it's not a big deal, but I like all the insider info I can get.

PUMPS (and I'm not talking about shoes):
Called and spoke with a lady at a medical supply store. She told me what my insurance covers. What makes me laugh is how they cover a Medela single breast pump. Ain't nobody got time fo' that!! I have 2 boobs and a busy job, time is of the essence people. There is a Ameda double pump I can get for "free" too so I'll probably just get that one. Then of course 3 Medela double pumps you can pay money towards to get, no thanks. I'm also gonna find out Tuesday if/when I get a free rental of the super duper Medela pump, so if that's the case I'll be happy and just use that one (but still get the "free" one thru insurance too as a backup/why not?). And I'm also getting a Lansinoh manual pump for $20, because it actually has awesome reviews and I'd like to have an emergency pump if an electric one malfunctions or the power goes out.

Things that DON'T bother me:
1) when people touch my stomach. Idk why but doesn't really annoy me, even strangers. I am totally NOT touch-a-phobic though so maybe that's why. I like that people take interest and want to feel him, even tho he's so ornery he usually clams up.
2) stretch marks - I actually didn't really get much. I have some old ones that re-stretched but they're just the old white kind. I have a couple small red ones on my lower right side but that's it. But seriously, they're the least of my concerns. They're just cosmetic, and not like I had a super hot bod to begin with. They're not like all the other annoying symptoms that REALLY bother me!
3) any sort of breast issues. A lot of girls in my group complain about breast pain or weird leakage or whatever. my boobs have been pretty normal my whole pregnancy and haven't really even grown.

RAMBLES:
I feel like pregnancy kinda went fast but now it is DRAAAAGING. Please be December. Because I want him born but not in November, I want him to come in December lol. I have times where I have CRAZY anxiety though. First, work is stressing me out a bit - just a lot of crap going on this week and I'm SO forgetful and forgot to do something important and now it sucks. And of course I think about it when I go home so it invades my life. Then the normal about-to-give-birth anxiety and thinking of all the shit we still have to do and get. Last night I got like no sleep because I was up so late just feeling anxious. And then once I try to sleep it takes me forever to fall asleep. And then I wake up every hour or so to pee. Lol yesterday I had a student complain about being tired. Then he looked at me and goes "sorry, that's not the thing to say to you." haha insightful kid. But yea I am exhausted.

But anyway, all these annoying symptoms (besides being so tired/not sleeping - that is just terrible) don't bother me as much all of a sudden, because I suddenly feel like there is an end coming. That I won't feel like this forever. And that I just need to "enjoy" (HAHAHAHA) the end of my pregnancy with this kid, because this is it. Once he's born he's out in the world and I'll have to be away from him and I'll miss him because I'm used to him being with me 24/7, and then he'll grow into a kid and do weird kid things (why are kids so WEIRD?? lol thinking of Markie right now), and he'll grow and he'll turn into an awkward preteen (lol poor kid has no chance, judging on the awkward stages of both his parents) and then an annoying teenager, and then an adult who has their own life. Boo. So he only has a few more weeks left of fetal life. But seriously, knowing an end is coming just makes things slightly more bearable.
Also, I had something happen the other day that made me feel bad/guilty. Had a coworker come in with pad to use the bathroom and she goes "I wasn't supposed to get my period!" And here's me hugely pregnant, like "IN YOUR FACE!" So I felt bad that I was pregnant, and she was trying to be, but got bitch slapped by her menstrual cycle. Like how annoying to actively try to get pregnant, think you might be, and then get your period and you're all depressed... and then you have to go to the bathroom with a giant pregnant lady outside the door, reminding you of your unsuccessful month. Life is not fair and that made me just feel kinda guilty and sad.

Milano cookies are on sale at wegmans right now and I am chowing down!!

Things are moving along! And feeding fears

Doctors appt today (35 weeks 3 days):.

Baby is head down and head is ENGAGED. That means his head is already in my pelvis, and I think she said he's at + 3 station. Which is as far down as baby can get without actually starting to crown (she said it to the medical student not to me, so I'm like did she really say +3?? Cuz that means his head made it past the ischial spines already, which means he FITS through my pelvis. Every OBGYN ever has told me I have small pelvis and may need a Csection. So...IN YOUR FACE).

here's a baby at + 2 because I can't find a stock image showing the head at + 3. But yea, my baby's head is even lower than this ones. but you get the idea. Basically a fetal head is all up in my pelvis. No wonder my butt is aching right now.

Anyway, I'm so glad that he's not breech! That explains all my pelvic pressure. His back is along my right side. They swabbed me for GBS, I'll find out next week if it was positive or not. I let a medical student come in so I had everything done twice lol. I am dialated about 1 cm and my cervix is soft. She said it's 1 fingertip dilated which she knows is 1 cm. And a firm cervix feels like your nose, mine has softened to feeling like your lips. By the time of birth it's as thin as a piece of paper, so it's slowly effacing (i think she said something like 30% effaced to the med student). She said I will not make it to 40 weeks... that's okay by me! But I want to make it till December at least. The best part.... they could feel his head with their finger through my cervix!! (Gross i know) But that is so freaky!! My Bp was good, 116/72. She said my ankles and hands are a little swollen, although I don't see it.
 I apparently gained 5 lbs in 2 weeks but this is what I think happened. Last appt, I was stepping on the scale and grabbed onto the handicap bar next to the scale. The nurse took my weight while my hand was still on there, which I thought might have made me weigh less. So now that i'm 5lbs up this appt, I'm pretty sure that's what happened because there is no way I really gained that much weight!

BREASTFEEDING:
So I plan to breastfeed, like many women do. I was originally pretty confident about it (i don't mean the decision, I mean my ability) but now I am... panicking. It seems complicated. It seems weird. Yes, it does, sorry I just offended and pissed off like all kinds of breastfeeding Nazi's by saying that - but it does. I also have no clue how to coordinate it. I mean, fine, you have the time to spend a million hours a day dealing with it while on maternity leave. But I have a countdown clock, about 8 weeks, to figure it all out and have things run smoothly. Also, with my insurance, you can't even buy a pump till after the baby is born. Then you send in the receipt for reimbursement, up to $175. So I won't even have a pump right away... giving me even less time to figure it out and get myself ready to return to work.
What if things aren't running smoothly by then? Also not only do I have 8 weeks to get breastfeeding down, but I also have to get the baby to take a bottle, AND become efficient at pumping within that time. What if he hates a bottle? If I get no milk out while pumping or it takes for-ever to get any? I see why some mothers may give up - it can potentially be a nightmare. The flip side is formula which honestly, the biggest thing that keeps me away from that is the cost - I don't get how people can afford it. Unless you just don't eat yourself and put that money towards formula. I got some samples from Similac and Enfamil in the mail and I won't lie, I felt some relief that if need be, I have some subsistence in the house to feed this kid. But no way could we afford that stuff on the regular.

So basically I'm kinda freaking out and feel like a partial failure already because it just feels like too much to juggle it all. And even admitting that makes you sound like the poor, overwhelmed mother who just needs a good lactation consultant to hold your hand. I feel like many women's feelings over this are also not validated at all. Everything you read and the advice you get is kinda annoying. "Don't give up!" It takes times!" Basically the advice sounds so obnoxious - like the kind of advice doctors and nurses give that doesn't feel like it applies to the real world, and you just nod your head while thinking "suuuure." To sum up what I've read, the advice is to commit your whole life to breastfeeding. Maybe my surge of maternal hormones will make me feel cool with this commitment but right now all I feel is "ugh - I'm exhausted just thinking about dealing with it." And most of the advice is, I think, geared to mothers who have all day to sit at home and BF (who has time for this!?). Because that's kinda what they say - you have to spend all day trying and don't give up. Well what if you're not physically with your baby for 7.5 hours a day, then what? (and yes, I am lucky that my work day is shorter than average to begin with). And hi, I'm at work where I'm being paid to work. I don't have an hour to try and pump either. It needs to come the hell out within like 15 minutes or that's it.

Also I'm scared of BF Nazi's and don't want to be in their group.

So while I pray I'm one of those people who BF comes easily to them and their baby... I don't count on it. And I basically spend all day worrying about how I will take care of this kid, mainly involving how I will care for him in regards to feeding.

Playing Catch Up - 35 weeks

I haven't sat down to write in awhile, mainly because I didn't have much to say other than complaints, and partly because i've had no energy.

My baby shower was Saturday, 10/26, and it was awesome and we were so spoiled. Thank you to everyone who came and "showered" us. It was also just really nice to see people I haven't seen in awhile and I wish I could have sat and talked with everyone. I felt like a bride at her wedding - like I didn't have enough time to eat and talk and thank people. I posted some on facebook, but here are some photos. Thanks to your fabulous shower photographer, Liz Frediani!

My siblings

some food

a basket of advice :)

cookie my aunt gail made

diaper cake

opening gifts

my Grandma Marge (baby's great grandma!) and Aunt Barb

me and Eric's Grandma Phyllis (great grandma)

gift table

me and katie dinan!!

me and my mom

me and my parents

me and eric's mom

the napkins

overview

opening gifts

pregnancy train LOL. Me, Sophia, and Markie

cupcake table

me and grandma bea (the 3rd great-grandma there!)

Ok well now that I bored people with those...

Back pain:

The chiropractor has been amazing. I actually switched to a new one, she specializes in pregnancy and babies. What a difference!!! I went 2x a week a few times and it was awesome... but that gets expensive at $20 a visit. So I'm trying to just do once a week and it's not fun, my back is killing me again as I despretely wait for Tuesday to come again. I don't know what it is she does that works, but it does. I'm not totally pain free but I'm not in horrendous pain like I kind of feel now. Omg I would also love a real massage. I've never actually had one lol but I imagine it would be amaaaaazing right now. 

Doctor Appt/Symptoms:

I'm going to the doctor every 2 weeks now. At my last appt everything was fine, as usual. We asked about baby's position and he said it was kind of hard to tell still but that at my next appt (which is this coming thursday) they'd probably be able to tell. I just want to know if he's breech or not!!  Doctor said he's *probably* head down based on how I described his movements, but I'll believe it when I see it.He moves a lot up under my right ribs and also I feel him a little down by my left hip. He moves around all the time too, like just moving not kicks anymore. Makes my belly look like jelly and the other day I was bending over a little and he kicked my boobs! lol I wish someone had seen it. Also I get a LOT of pelvic pressure, at least I think that's what it is. I just feel weird pressures. Sometimes I get lots of pressure on my bladder and I know if it wasn't for my exceptional bladder control muscles (due to the fact that I have overactive bladder/bladder spasms in my non-pregnant life, causing me to develop very strong control) I would totally be peeing my pants. I get pressure in my butt too. Pressure everywhere. Oh and I think braxton hicks contractions but I still don't even understand what they're supposed to feel like - just a lot of hardness and pressure in my belly?

Another symptom I've been having is crazy fluid in my head. I had the NP at work look in my ears with an otoscope and she said yep - fluid behind the ear drum. Good ol' otis medis with effusion aka fluid in your middle ear aka there's nothing you can do till it goes away. I hear a hum in my ears all the time and my hearing is a little muffled. And I sneeze a lot. And I blow my nose a lot. And if I wasn't addicted to Afrin I know I would be crazy stuffy all the time too.

 My blood pressure has been even better while pregnant than normally. 108/62 at this appt. I've also had NO swelling of my hands or ankles. I feel pretty lucky about that, because I know many women who have all kinds of pre-eclampsia worries and I haven't at all. 

At my next appt I'll also get tested for Group B strep. For those that don't know - it's a normal bacteria in your digestive tract, up to 1/3 of pregnant women test positive for it. However, when baby comes out they can take that bacteria into their respiratory tract and can get a serious lung infection (1/200 chance). So that's the new thing they test for lol. If you're positive they make you take IV penicillin while in labor. Not a huge deal, but, if you're a believer like me that babies get all the "good" bacteria too when they come out - then they're not going to get any since obviously the penicillin will kill them too. Also it'd be annoying to be hooked up to a drip while in labor. Eric's mom has been feeding me fermented foods - organic european style yogurt, organic saurkraut, probiotic pills, kambucha, etc in order to pump me full of good bacteria for the baby. Of course, when I googled "how to test negative for group b strep" those are also the foods that just so happen to help you test negative. I suspect because they replace the group b strep in the gut. I've also been taking vitamin c and garlic and some other crap. I'll probably test positive anyway lol.

Baby Prep:
We went and toured the pediatricians and really liked it. I have to call and tell them that we're actually going to go with them and tell them which doctor we want. So... that'll be done.

Eric and his mom painted the nursery and are doing the 2nd coat tomorrow. Then sometime this week hopefully Eric and my mom will do the wallpaper border. My mom bought us the crib, should be here Wednesday. Got the crib mattress tonight - I spent 3 days researching for one because I don't want a gross toxic chemical one since there is some research that suggests SIDS can be contributed to off-gasing of some nasty chemical in many conventional mattresses (alimony, arsenic, vinyl, etc). I really think within the next 5-10 years there will be a big shift in how crib mattresses are manufactured as more research and attention is put on the issue (kinda like what happened with BPA in all the bottles).

 Anyway, I went with a Lullaby Earth one which got very good reviews and is Greenguard certified (ie no chemical emissions) and made by Naturepedic, which is the mattress I would have gotten if we were rich lol. Buy Buy Baby actually sells it in store so we were able to get 20% off the manufacturer set price (yay). This one is their "cheaper" line but still really good and still handmade by Amish people in Ohio lol. http://www.cleveland.com/business/index.ssf/2012/05/naturepedic_mattress_maker_dreams_up_new_lower-cost_line_called_lullaby_earth.html

Also got a bunch of other stuff tonight - a lamp that matches our bedding set. It was originally $60 (which is ridiculous for a stupid nursery lamp) and it was randomly 50% off at BBB today plus I was able to still use a 20% coupon so we paid $23! I still need a mobile, the one that matches our set is $60 too (and not in stock at the store, i think they're trying to phase out the bedding line we got) which again I think is insane so I need to find a cheaper one that matches at least a little bit. Anyway, I got some boring things like an (organic cotton, lol of course) mattress cover and some multiuse waterproof pads my mom said you put in the crib under the sheets, and some diaper genie bags. I also had a ton of drama at Target regarding returns but I will not pollute my blog with their drama right now.

So yes, lots of prep work for the baby is in motion and it's overwhelming and everything is still a mess. 5 weeks until my due date!!

Gah I just realized that my doctors appt on Thursday is the same day and time as a breastfeeding group class I've had scheduled for like, 2 months. So annoying. I have so many dang appts lately and I'm so forgetful, that I've been double booking all over the place. What are the odds that the doctors will be able to change my appt? blaaaaah

No work tomorrow - love working for a school and getting every little holiday off!!

32 weeks

I have felt way too lazy to write, and I still do, but I really should update.

So last week, on Thursday 10/17, I called my OB's office to ask about a note taking me out of work at my per diem job. I happened to causally ask while on the phone, when I should be concerned over decreased fetal movement. The day before I hadn't felt him move as much, and he didn't pass the "kick counts." Well, they told me they wanted me to come in right then, that morning. So I had to leave work and go in. They used the doppler and his heartbeat was fine. It was heard up high on my right side which I think probably means he's still breech (sidenote: they haven't felt yet to see how he is positioned in there. I think maybe at my next regular appt. I'm dying to know). Anyway, then they sent me over to the perinatal office for a Non-Stress Test. I got to lay back in a big recliner and had the tocolytic monitors wrapped around my belly - one at the top which measures my movements (and contractions) and one on the bottom which measures baby's heartrate and movements. It took him awhile but his heart rate finally started having some variability! I had to drink apple juice and turn on my side to get him to do it. He was moving around though fine and I also wasn't having any contractions, so all was well!

And yes, I am no longer working at the hospital because it was killing me. I'm out until after baby. It'll be tougher not having that extra income, but I am so relieved.

We started our childbirth classes last night (10/21). We go for 5 Mondays, from 6:30-8:30ish. There are 6 couples there including us. Interesting note, out of 6 couples only 2 were married, 3 were engaged including us, and 1 boyfriend-girlfriend. A sign of the times. Lol I felt like a know-it-all because I knew all the answers from nursing school and everyone else was silent. Eric even called me out on it today. But yesterday was just an intro class to pregnancy and labor basics really, so going forward I won't know-it-all anymore lol. Next week is "coaches" week, all about what the coach has to do and then relaxation techniques. We definitely had the weirdest baby name. The instructor was like oh, is that a family name...? No it's not, sorry that we're not naming our kid Aidan or Sophia, or another top 3 baby name, like several other people in the class. BORING, trendy, popular names are just boooring to me Which is why I had to cross Liam off my list, even though I still do love it. Anyway. The last thing we did was watch a video of a woman in labor, and giving birth. It wasn't particularly graphic though, and focused more on her in pain during her unmedicated labor. And that made me not want to do it at all - like no thanks, I'll pass. I think I want an epidural at least. As Eric says though, I'll probably end up with a C-section anyway and all this will be pointless.

My baby shower is this coming Saturday, the 26th. I am excited and nervous. I feel kinda weird being the center of attention and having people give me gifts that I specifically asked for... but I am looking forward to it to because it'll be fun to see everyone :)

I've started taking Epsom salt baths and they help my achy bones lol. Seriously, it does help, even though taking baths is so gross. I haven't taken one in like 20 years, and bathtubs have also shrunk since that time LOL. Sometimes too I'll just get in the shower like 3 times a night with a shower cap on and have the hot water go on my back.

I still am sleeping horribly. I can't get comfortable because my bottom shoulder hurts, and my hips. But mostly my arms/shoulder and neck. And basically everything. And then whenever I move, my uterus puts additional pressure on my  bladder and I have to pee. I pee every 5-10 minutes. And when I fall asleep I wake up every hour to pee. Pee. God is a misogynist for designing the bladder to be squished under a huge heavy uterus.

Here is my comparison pic from last week (at 31 weeks). I still look somewhat similar.

Well our wallpaper border is in. And we've narrowed down a few paint colors. I want to PAINT now but eric is still being slow. He did cut and put up a dowel for our closet, so that I can move my clothes out of the nursery closet so that I can hang baby clothes in there. Although I would need the baby hangers to do that lol. But yea that is getting painting within the next few days.  Clearly I'm ready for the baby...not.

75% done

I hit 30 weeks yesterday.

This is how I look - the stripes make me look bigger honestly.

On a side note I got my hair done last friday - trimmed, shaped, and highlighted. Looks so much better, and healthier. I can't believe how much healthier. And I actually have bangs again. Somehow during pregnancy I lost my side part and this gross center part formed - causing my bangs to become gross, ugly non-bangs. She fixed that though, somehow.

HOW I AM FEELING:

I hate when people ask "how are you feeling?" because no one wants the truth lol. I feel a heavy expectation to say "faaaabulous!" But I don't feel that way lol. I mean it could be a lot worse, I don't feel bad. But I don't feel good either. I mean maybe it's "good" for being pregnant. But for normal life it's not good lol. I don't know what people expect me to say. Since you're supposed to be in pain and discomfort while pregnant, I guess not bad and can't complain too much - I could be having crazy contractions and on bedrest. And I know there is an eventual end date. But if I had to feel like this forever, I would want to die LOL. So usually I just say "alright" sometimes adding "tired!" onto it.

I don't sleep anymore. I finally fall asleep around 12:30 or 1am - I toss and turn a lot, my shoulders hurt, so the bottom shoulder that I'm laying on starts to hurt and get uncomfortable and I have to adjust my position in bed, which is a huuuuuge process. Plus I have to pee every 15 minutes so usually the "it's time to roll over" feeling is coupled with me having to get up and trek to the bathroom. Then I wake up every hour or 2 to pee again. Usually my last time is around 5:45 and I get annoyed because I get up at 6:30 so I never really fall back asleep again. I miss REAL sleep!! I try to take naps in the afternoon after work, I usually sleep for about 1.5-2 hours then, and it's the best sleep I get all day. SO yea, I'm grumpy and pessimistic.

LOTS of back pain - lower and upper, and shoulder and neck pain. And pelvic and hip pain. Basically everything hurts lol. All that pain is also what's keeping me from sleeping and waking me up. I went to the chiropractor yesterday. It helps but after a couple days it comes back full force. I want a massage too lol but those are expensive.

Brain fogginess. Ugh. I feel like an idiot all the time. I am so forgetful and just plain stupid. Which is really annoying when I'm still trying to prove myself at a new job. I feel like I look like an idiot a lot.

DOCTOR'S APPT TODAY:
 Everything was fine. Blood pressure was 114/68, pee was fine, fundus measurement perfect, fetal heart rate fine. I had some cramps at work today and he said cramps are normal as long as they're not rhythmic and regular. I've gained 18 pounds which he said is 1-2 pounds more than we'd like to see but it's okay. 5 lbs of that was in the last month though. So then I was all annoyed because everyone seems to be calling me big lately - so I was feeling like a giant fat blob. I complained to the girls in my December pregnancy group and.... I've gained some of the LEAST weight of anyone!! Most are already in the 20-something lbs range if not more. So how come *I* am considered too "fat?" Probably because I'm Lauren and I always get crap. This is what I ate today:

Breakfast: granola bar and slim fast
Mid Morning Snack: dry roasted edamame (wasabi flavored!!)
Lunch: salad: lettuce, broccoli, peppers, cheese, tuna, and a hard boiled egg with fat free french dsg. Also a wheat roll and some triscuits
Dinner: chicken breast, broccoli, pasta

I don't think I'm pigging out or eating a ton of junk. I've been trying to be careful about what I eat. How much better can I eat other than to eat less which clearly isn't right because I already don't eat quite enough calories that are recommended (but I know my body and if I eat "reccomended" calories, I blow up like a hog being fattened for slaughter) So now I want to like not gain any weight before my next appt in 3 weeks, to tell the doctors to shove it. Which I know is ridiculous and I won't do. But seriously. You told me i was ONE POUND overweight, that's like the difference of if I had had a doctors appt in the morning where you're skinnier or at the end of the day where you're more bloated (which is when my appt was). What is this, a modeling contest? Will my fat pockets start to be circled next? I'm just annoyed and want to tell everyone to go shove a fat burger into their fat mouths. </rant>

Dr said I could leave my per diem job any time I want. He said I can just tell them since I'm per diem, and don't need a dr note, but I think they'll want a note since I have a contract saying I'll work 2 shifts a month (and I know my unit.) So he said just call and he'll give me one whenever I want to stop working there. UGH. I want to stop now but I also would like the extra money. I'm scheduled to work this Saturday and next and I wanna try to tough it out but then after that be done.

I also got a flu shot today. It wasn't a normal one... it was a transdermal one, ie a little bubble put right under my skin. And preservative-free (ie no mercury). It's kind of nice, because my arm doesn't feel like I got hit my a heavyweight, just a little itchy.

ODDS and ENDS:

Kristen felt the baby kick last week!! First person to feel him - FINALLY. She said she didn't think Eric was pressing hard enough and then I thought about it, and he hadn't been. But then... a couple nights ago we think he felt a kick!! About freaken time.

I wonder what he's doing in there a lot. It has to be so boring. I mean you're just floating around with nothing to do but move your limbs around. It's dark. You've never seen the world. I know it's completely irrational, but I feel kinda bad for him sometimes like how is he not sooooo bored???

We signed up for a childbirth class, it runs on Mondays from 6:30-9, from October 21-November 18th. The last class is actually a breastfeeding class that is thrown in for "free." I'm looking forward to it because Eric needs some education LOL. Also I just think it'll help with my anxiety.

I meet with the Asst. Superintendent tomorrow to go over all my maternity leave stuff. I'm nervous. I mean I have an idea of what he will say and I shouldn't be nervous, but I am!!

We picked out a wallpaper border for the nursery!! We're going to paint and then put this border down

 Well I want to paint, Eric still thinks we should leave the walls ivory because he thinks it looks good. No it doesn't. The colors in the border match perfect with the bedding, and the animals in it do too. I also like that it's the alphabet because I think that's cute in nurseries, and now I can bring that secondary theme into the room. We need to get started on the room though. No energy.

28 weeks

Sometimes I still forget i'm pregnant. Which I know is funny seeing as how I am getting huge, but when I'm busy and he's not moving much, I forget. And then I'm like oh yea.... And then I am hit with the fact that a person is living inside of me all over again. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. He just gave me 2 huge kicks under my ribs as I typed that. Probably to remind me that he's real.

So earlier I took a nap. I went to get out of bed and... was hit with the worst leg cramp I have ever felt. Calling it a leg cramp is an understatment. I could not move my leg. Like the whole thing. Then from the calf to ankle it went into this involuntary contracture that you could see indenting through the skin. It was SO painful but also freaking me out so much because it looked gross and alien too. Usually with a cramp I get up and try to walk it off, flex my foot up, try to run warm water over the muscle, etc. But like I said, I could not move the leg!! It was like the muscle contraction was paralyzing it. Eric went and wet a towel with hot water and wrapped it around my leg and rubbed, and it helped a little. it FINALLY started to go away and eric helped me limp to the shower where i hosed down the muscle with warm water. Ugh. And in the middle of it all Sophie had to come in and investigate and was all up in my business - so ridiculous. I don't have any bananas to eat either, although I took a calcium pill which also helps. I'm so scared this will happen again!!

I do find though that most pregnancy symptoms in general are pretty tolerable - because you know what is causing them. Fear of the unknown definitely plays a role in the random pains you normally get causing you distress. But when you're pregnant, you know the reason. Before I was pregnant I thought i'd be a nervous twit when I was... but I really don't think I am. The only time I ever called my dr about anything was when I fell in the hallway at work walking down for my yearbook picture (lol) and other people told me to call just to be safe (i was fine.) But damn the sheer pain of that leg thing before was terrible. Also, I have random nights where I just feel "achey" and "off"... and tonight is turning into one. I'm actually feeling a little nauseous now. Sometimes I randomly throw up too - it's not even like an "oooo i'm so sick" puke just a random nausea, I puke, and feel better and go about my business. I'm pretty sure it's just because my stomach is being compressed. It doesn't happen everyday; maybe once a week. 

So I failed my 1 hour glucose screen. Apparently something like 40% of women do (it's very inaccurate and I don't think it should even be used!) but I know I am unlucky with everything, so I was worried I had the 'betes. All I was imagining was Wilfred Brimley on a horse talking about diabetic testing supplies and having to poke myself and I wanted to throw up. (Yes, I am a nurse and stick needles in people all the time but it';s different when it's YOU!)

So, last Saturday I had to go in for the 3 hour test. Basically, it sucked. I went to the new ACM lab though on Elmgrove Rd, and it was awesome. I will never go to another lab again. Most labs are dingy, old, cramped waiting rooms, kinda ghetto in general. This new one has a big waiting room with lots of windows, it very clean, had a TV that was playing I Love Lucy and then The Golden Girls (2 of my fav shows ever!!!), and good staff. I had to fast, then go in at 8:30am and get my fasting blood drawn, then drink 100 grams of sugar (SO GROSS. The 1 hour test is only 50 grams and didn't taste that bad) then get my blood drawn an hour later, 2 hours later, and 3 hours later. 4 times total all out of the same vein - it's still bruised. The first hour was the worst because my body was dealing with the sugar rush and it was making me sooooo tired and I was super hungry and also nauseous from the sugar drink. But anyway I was told yesterday that i PASSED. So no gestational diabetes for me. 

Oh and when I finally went to leave at 11:45, I couldn't find my keys. I went up to the desk after searching for like 10 mins, and the receptionist was like oh they're yours!! I should have known, you're the only one that 's been there the whole time. Pregnancy brain?. Except honestly, I lose my keys all the time, all over the place. So really, I can't blame it on anything other than my own inherent absentmindedness.

For my own records, my BG level for the 1 hour was 173 - pretty high (failing is over 140). My numbers for the 3 hour were all passing: 85 (fail is over 95), 170 (fail is over 180), 147 (fail is over 155), 137 (fail is over 140). If you fail more than 2 numbers then you have gestational diabetes. I find it weird that my BG was actually LOWER 1 hour after drinking 100g of sugar than it was 1 hour after drinking only 50g of sugar. Only thing I can think of is a) i was a candy-a-holic the week before the 1 hour and b)I didn't fast as much before. Whatever, I'm happy I passed.

I am tired all the time in general though and have no energy. I wish I had more energy and motivation to work on my new house but I just don't. The smallest task seems so monumental. Just keeping the house semi-cleaned is enough work, let alone finding places for things, decorating etc. We still have shit to move from my mom's house that we need to borrow a truck for - it keeps getting put off. I bought curtains for our bedroom and eric put them up today... and I don't like them lol. So now I have to return them and get something new, and that task seems so daunting to do. 

In general I really don't feel awful, even though I just spent an entire entry complaining. It's really neat to feel him kick and move. I have been getting Brazton-Hicks contractions more and more. When they started around 20 weeks it was every few days. Now it's every couple hours. At least I think they're BH. I asked the nurse practitioner and she didn't really give me a good answer - just said yea they probably are. They don't hurt, just feel like a weird pressure. 

Oh we got the bedding for the baby's room. http://www.buybuybaby.com/store/product/kidsline-safari-party-crib-bedding-collection/208453?categoryId=32003  I have no idea how to paint the nursery and I don't like Eric's suggestions. This is too hard.

27 weeks - 3rd Trimester

I will be 27 weeks on Tuesday (so basically in a day). That officially starts not only Month 7, but also the THIRD TRIMESTER. In case you were unaware, that is the last one. No more trimesters after that. At the end of the 3rd you get a baby. Sometimes I stop and really think about it and I cannot imagine having a child. I do not know how to be someone's mom. I feel like I am so busy as it is, how will I add a kid to the mix. Obviously, I know that logically, some really stupid people have kids and manage it, so I will too. It's actually better to not think about it too much, to go through the motions of preparing for baby, without being introspective about it because I think doing so would make many people have a freaken anxiety attack.

According to the internets, the baby is around 15 inches and 2.5 lbs now. While that is small for a full term baby, that seems huge to me lol. I can't believe a person that big is living in my body.

Oh also I am having lots of fear about giving birth. About dying but also just the thought of having to do it is so surreal. Childbirth is something that other women do, not me. I really don't want to do it either. Because it is painful but also because it is weird.  I've never been hospitalized before, the whole thing is just so strange. Weird to be in a hospital, to be poked around, just the process itself is SURREAL.

I took these last week:

lol I cannot take pics in a mirror. 26 weeks.

26 weeks

Owning a house is exhausting. Well not really, but it's impossible to keep it all tidy and neat. As soon as you clean something, something else is a mess. Add in the fact that I get home from work at 3pm (yes, I am so lucky that I get out that early everyday) and I'm so damn tired that I usually spend about an hour attending to what I like to refer to as my "personal secretarial business" (phone calls, etc. There's a lot of companies and people to contact when you take on 50 new bills, get a new job - ie new income and insurance, and a new house with it's tax situation.) and then I nap till like 6pm. Then have to run errands, try to be home by 8:30. I have to eat at some point (and clean up all that). Then shower and my hair, and that's when I get chores and cleaning done too. I should be in bed by 10:30 but I consider 11:30 a good time. Up at 6:30am.

Oh also we still have things at my mom's to move, and we really need to oh, i don't know, set up and decorate rooms besides the living room. It's hard to find time to do that. This weekend I was up at 9 on Saturday to go to that glucose test. Home at 12. Ate, nap from 1-2:15. Worked 3-11:30, went to my mom's until 12:30am because I was needed. Today was "Bills Day" where Eric is useless after like noon. I had errands and groceries to get anyway. Life is busy. How do people find time to decorate entire houses? I don't understand.

Anyway, I changed my mind about the baby bedding. Friday night I went to Buy Buy Baby and found a set that I REALLY like. So no more Peter Rabbit theme, and going with this one instead. I know in the long run it doesn't matter at all, but little things like this are nice to focus on lol.

As mentioned, I had my glucose screen (the screening for gestational diabetes) done on Saturday 9/14. I pray to god I pass. The drink itself didn't taste terrible. Except apparently they usually have it refrigerated but they had none in the fridge, so I had to drink it room temp. The workers didin't give a shit; they were working at a lab on a Saturday morning - enough said about their level of morale. But having it cold would have made it soooo much better. I actually struggled more with getting the sheer volume of the liquid down. My stomach is so squished that I can't eat/drink large amts anymore. This other pregnant chick came in like 10 mins after me and chugged hers down. You have 5 mins to drink it and she was done like a minute before me, despite starting after me. They had to "yell" at me to finish it. I could never chug now, I think I would literally puke (actually, i HAVE thrown up a few times lately from pressure/over full stomach. Never threw up during early pregnancy, but NOW is the time I do it lol). Anyway, I felt very judged, like I wasn't as compliant, since I couldn't chug it too. The sugar drink made me feel sleepy, and made the baby feel very kicky. It was incredibly boring to sit in the waiting room for an hour too, so if I fail and have to do the 3 hour test, I will be super annoyed that I have to sit there for 3 HOURS.

He kicks and moves a lot but I'm the only one that he does it for lol. You can feel him doing it if you put your hand on my belly - in theory. Because as soon as someone, besides me, tries to feel, he stops. It's kind of neat to think though that I'm the only one in the entire world that is *physically* aware of his presence. I mean, someday, during the course of his life, thousands and thousands of people will be aware of his physical presence. But for now, there's just one, and that is me. And I'm the first. But it would be nice if he stopped making such a liar out of me. Also, every time I decide to go to a store, he decides to sit on my bladder or something. It's not a feeling you get when not-pregnant. It's just a weird sudden pressure on my bladder so even though I technically probably don't have much pee in me - I need to run to a bathroom. I wish I knew how he was positioned in there actually. I feel kicks and flutters and movements all over so I think (?) he still has enough room to roll around in there. I have a dr's appt Wednesday and I plan on asking about that.